From Amos to Zecheriah

Idealization

2012-02-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

In my mind, my creation

love that can never die

As deep as the ocean to the sky

just to be able to have felt that way back then

I am forever thankful in every way

I lived in the moment the best I could

cherished each kiss and couldn't hug tighter

I remember still with wistful smile

when looking in her eyes made my heart skip 3 beats

I would tell her it's the same today,

but Life forced our separate ways

I can still thank God every day

I was given the chance to feel that way

My heart is healed and the adoration is clarified

I got to know true love and felt real passion

Now, I'm holding on loosely without no hope

that these embers get to again catch their fire and

the flock of butterflies inside my chest,

may never find their rest

Is it my failure, is this my test?

Lawyers, Guns and Money

2011-12-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

Common sense and the Court of Law should be synonymous and what's right should always find it's way and to be. Division of property and family can be equitable without opposition and really needs no mediation. But when one person is ordered to suffer more hardship so another, equally capable, does not you have a breakdown of the whole process.

What gives a person the thought in their head to lie and claim a certain degree of helplessness just so they don't have to work any harder than they feel they should? To put the shackles on what another person can become with the backing of the state. Whatever happened to making a decision and then living with it?

Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly, but all vows have to be honored and picking and choosing makes the marriage contract null and void in my eyes. If the Law respected common sense and honesty could be tested maybe people would not be so afraid to get married.

I know these issues are as old as the hills and I can't begin to express my frustration with the system, but i want to be on the record as having no confidence. Not in the State, not in my ex, not in the process, not at all. The only thing I know is that I love my children and I have to and will do right by them.

3 years to the Day

2011-06-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

Falling in love

I fell

For every action there's equal opposite reaction

Every cause has its effect

Every Dream faces reality

The price I pay

to this day

Worth it in almost every way

I was High

Brought Low

still only one way to go

I learned and watched

yearned and botched

turned around

found the ground

gave away

everything

Anything That Helps

2011-04-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

I see someone who reminds me of her,

and my heart immediately swoons

I while away my time thinking about all that was,

and I never get that far away, though I try to see why I'm stuck

Memories, like empty rooms can be refilled

Behind every door the chance is there to win again

I got lucky before, I'll get lucky again, the faulty logic says

But I never was a gambling man

For some reason I can't forget my good fortune,

I guess its because it was true, one time

It hurts to lose the bet

to realize there is no second chance out there

The one thing that never changes

I missed her again today

Ashamed of this Weakness

2011-04-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

An addictive personality latches onto anything that makes it complete. Using activities and ideas to posit the thought process into a comfortable channel. Dreaming a dream if that helps to dull the grating grip of cold reality. How many times have I been played? How did I want to be played? Was I coerced and tricked into sin or did I willingly go there and do that? These questions will never be answered but I can say honestly my deceptions never were meant to beguile another person. My sin was always meant to be replaced with the honorable intention. Having no other way to get to my goal I fell into the trap. Still I sinned.

For the Love of All

2011-03-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

She loves me

She Loves me Not.

What is Love?

What is Lust?

Where do we find these answers?

When do we know its really real?

How can we trust a feeling?

Why can't it just come easy?

Who is the one for me?

Is it supposed to be eternally?

Update: Is it supposed to be at all?

What Are You Waiting For?

2011-03-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,

Of meadow flowers and butterflies In summers that have been.

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire
And think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many thingsThat I have never seen.
In every wood, in every spring
There is a different green.

I sit beside the fire
And think of people long ago.
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door--

J.R.R.Tolkien and Bilbo Baggins

What a beautiful poem that came into my mind as I sit, not beside a fire, but beside a parabolic electric heater and think of what to write. I feel the need to write something maybe just to clear some space inside my brain or maybe to set the thoughts free to soar. Maybe it's in hopes that the right person will read the words and understand some of the things I have always had such a hard time conveying. Whenever I try to write my deep thoughts, deep fears, deep hopes and dreams, they seem to scatter like shadows from the noonday sun. I have had a few titles in mind lately that seemed like could launch literary brilliance and clean out some clutter in the closets of my mind at the same time. But when I start a de evolutionary spiral causes second guessing and doubts sabotage the inertia needed to boldly go. In other words I get thought tied and the weakness of my writing skill betrays my emotion.

All I ever wanted was to be understood. To have the time needed to give and receive trust. When I tried to be perfectly clear I created contradiction by fearing the great unknown. When I tried to protect my own fragile ego I sent a mixed message. Being afraid to lose was the act of faithlessness that weakened the chain. Over protecting my heart must have made it slow to respond. Knowing it was too good to be true undermined whatever chance there was. Stubbornness to re calibrate all these things ended the equation. Sometimes ground must be given up in order to move forward.

I figured that out a little too late...

To Live is to Love

if you are not doing both you are not fully doing either.

There are many ways to love

many ways to feel

I still feel Loved, its different yet the same

just because things changed

no one need take blame

I am so thankful it was real

I feel lucky I got to know

More lucky all the time

The moment lasts forever in my heart

and all love does is grow

in different ways

its more today

Tomorrow? who's to say

※丌

On the Verge

2011-02-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

Wave after Wave and it keeps coming in

I am moving with the flow

No need to test the fates right now

The moments captured forever remain

The pictures are what I saw that day

Every day I want to give a new view

To My Friend

2011-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

I wonder how things ever got to where I am unable to even let you know how I feel. There was a time when I thought you could practically read my mind and there was nothing that needed to be said, we just knew. I guess like any thing in this material dimension energy must propel motion or gravity takes hold. We did our best and our stars crossed and I believe we blessed each other with Love that will last because love is what God made to last into eternity. Maybe we will never be quite the same but I am honored to have shared moments with someone I will allways consider my good friend.

Thank You,

respectfully yours丁丅

Self Preservation

2011-02-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

Its time to say good bye. The end of an era. For 12 years now I lived on that street. I will miss the little things like the projects I wasn't able to finish, the trees I planted will just grow on without my admiration, and not seeing my children finish growing up here is certainly not how I planned my future when I first moved in.

I got to see change, and some good knowledge came and I grew as a self sufficient human being by leaps and bounds. I goofed up and lost some ground, too, so I will never make some of these mistakes again I am sure.

I lived at this residence longer than I lived anywhere in my whole life, so I feel like there was a sense of great stability and I grew so much in so many ways. Where I am being led is a great mystery right now, the once great State of California can barely contain me anymore. If this was not where my business was created and my best chance to make decent money I would be long long gone.

I have been praying a lot that I move only in a direction that God would have me go. I won't stop praying until I feel I am home again and then my prayer will no longer be for wondering but thanking the Supreme Lord that He got me to go where He wants me to be.

To Be

2011-02-15T18:05:00.000-08:00

I feel loved

even as

I still feel pained

I feel so hopeful and yet restrained

I remember the power of my last Lover

How she was more than perfect for me

The taste so sweet I fell the further

I can never forget her smile

Even time stopped when we held onto each other

So I did get to see an Angel right then

and She renewed the life inside me

I know even though its now gone

She does still remember me

As I move on

And try to find what got lost

I know

Love can yet save a soul

And I will do my part

To bring joy to some other broken heart

Whom Do You Serve?

2011-02-07T05:55:00.001-08:00

World views and Religions can share the same Earth and thrive. All it takes is to allow ones own faith to light the pathway to the Spiritual Sky. So many religious battles are ignited by lack of Faith. If one belief system wants to show the way then by all means Lead By Example. That is probably all God has been waiting for.

A Dilemma for Sure

2011-02-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in my certainty I overlook the obvious vagaries and I just assume that all is essentially decided and finished. Even if things are not yet getting to where I want to be.

Desiring to move on but looking back to see what may have been missed. Like the angels when they told Lot and his family not to look back, and unfortunately Lots wife did.

Talking to my ex wife I just figured because the marriage dissolved and I was not ever going to try and reconcile that she felt that way too. Not even sure if she does desire reconciliation, but maybe she wants me to try so she can shoot me down... I just don't know, and I really don't care.

So when we recently re-discussed the things that led to the end of that marriage I did want to find the reasons, for I will never make the same mistakes again. I am talking about mistakes in the way I treated and reacted to situations not like the mistake of choosing to marry her in the first place. I actually really would have put up with more just to keep my honor and to keep my family whole for my children for a little while longer. Even though this marriage was doomed to fall apart eventually. I couldn't go it alone anymore.

Even though she never really acted like she loved me she said she never stopped. I am not sure why it took me a step back when she said that. I never felt it, we never worked at it, I was more or less in a blind haze for years just consumed with the struggle to get by.

I am sure that one thing I never really felt was like that woman really loved me. Since the divorce I have had the chance to feel real love. I got a small taste of what I craved and maybe it was just a fantasy, but I felt it, really felt that spark. Like a defibrillator shock I was brought back to life.

I wont fall for my ex's ruse now, but I do think this explains why I have had reticence to just boot her @ss out and get on with everything else I must face. I feel pity for her and her situation, I do care about her as she is the mother of my children, but I also feel as if she didn't keep her end of the bargain to join forces and be one.

I am not really certain that I did my best either, looking backwards. But I do know I was true until it became stupid to remain so. I can live with everything that has happened to me I just pray that I learn the lessons right and can become a better person. God gives second chances and I hope to make mine count. Even though I feel torn I dont feel torn up. Like a broken bone that gets stronger, I feel like every little tribulation I get to face just prepares my heart to feel more love when I get to.

The Alarm

2011-01-07T05:53:00.000-08:00

Having my own slight bout of anxiety attacks a few years back I am now better prepared to reason out these episodes with my daughter. I know part of the trigger is stress and let me tell you in some ways I am certain a 15 year old girl has more stress than I do. At the same time in all reality this time of her life should be so happy and free. It is so sad to see her in such straits and then hearing it is somewhat epidemic out there makes me think more about it all.

In my heart I truly believe it is a spiritual battle. God is rattling her cage and she refuses to even think of her need to know God in her life. It is doubly sad for me because I always raised her with a faith element and while I wasn't a regular church goer I tried to go as often as possible and to take her every time, many times she refused, but she did go and hear the Gospel enough in my opinion. And I tried to teach Christian values at every opportunity. While I was unequally yoked to a non believer at least her mother had her baptized as a baby even though I know that is more for the parent than for the child who must take that step of faith on their own volition.

Another aspect of her trouble is her diet. I am thankful she is health conscious but the pressure teenagers put on themselves nowadays is terrible. And what is even more amazing is just how many teenagers are really fat too. I wonder if they go through all the garbage the thin ones go through to maintain their slimness. But there are other factors at work against their proper dieting. Like hypo-glycemia, thyroid, and the always near sedentary lifestyles from being unable to just go out and play safely outside any more, all these challenges make it more difficult for the parents and the children to get control over the aspects that should be most easy to control. There really has to be extra emphasis on diet and exercise and the children have to take it as seriously as if their future body and state of mind depend on it, because mind body and soul are all connected and must remain in balance. Try teaching that to a teen ager.

Truth be Told

2010-12-27T07:15:00.000-08:00

I know in my recent past I have let the frustration of things not going the way I dreamed get the best of me. Somehow, in spite of trying to bludgeon reality into the small space I created for it, I still got to see the light and shape a small section right. Everything in my life up to this very point I know has brought me where I am now. On the verge of understanding God better, people better, life better and even what my purpose is. This life is not ours just to try and enjoy material comfort, material things and material actions. We are spirit souls and the supreme Lord is calling us back home.

We listen but do we hear?

We want to hear but do we want to do?

Who knows how long it takes to get it right.

Gods has infinite patience with his children, and an infinite capacity to love us until we get it right.

Thank God for that.

New Year

2010-12-26T14:51:00.000-08:00

I have a few New Year resolutions I will work as hard as I can to see through.

∞ First is to strengthen my spiritual life.

∞ Second is to make love work the right way.

∞ Third is my career needs to get a priority I have not yet dedicated. My home life must be straightened out, too.

∞ Fourth is no more speculations, I have bet against the odds a lot in recent years and paid with freeze frames.

∞ My physical fitness and my writing also need to move up to more important facets than I have demonstrated up to now.

All these things are really easy to move on, and I will. With nothing left to lose I will not regret to reach for my hearts desire one way or the other. As long as I honor God and the chances I have been given in this life I really can't go wrong. The path is clear and the way is known, just take that first step and away we go.

Freedom, with a price.

2010-12-09T05:08:00.000-08:00

Hurt turns to anger and if anger isn't vented it eats you up inside. I know, I have been on both sides of that equation. I can take it, sometimes I wish I could take it all back, actually most times. I've lived it and healing is all I still search for. Maybe I am weak. My heart is a little guppie in the big ocean so yeah I have fears. I wont remain petulant as I have already come to grips. I know I am helpless, as I searched for a way to save the irrevocable I tied myself up in worrying, now at least I am free, free to see how wrong my reactions are and everything else I have done wrong

... but I am free.

Burning in Love

2010-12-03T05:03:00.000-08:00

There was a moment a few years ago when I thought, this is it! I have finally found the one true love of my life. We hit it off, made plans, we were compatible in every way, we told each other we loved one another and we meant it, well, I did anyway. Now I realize I was in delusion. Star struck by a very beautiful woman needing me in my time of need.

There is a spiritual entity called Maya _____ and she is instructed by the supreme Lord to distract people from their true object of worship, Himself. It is a counterbalance so we realize our need to continually place our focus on God himself. Anyway I fell, and once again I have paid a price for my failure in choosing upon whom I should fall in love and devote myself. Of course God is first. I am now talking about women and how I get to a lifelong partner who I love and adore.

Blessed by God (again!) I met another woman who really cares about me and in her is everything I ever wanted, a supporter, a nurturer, a friend, a lover, a healer , and a very spiritual soul full of goodness. Unfortunately, my ability to release my heart from bondage is inadequate at best, and the cold water I put on the flames of my passion for my previous love have left the place where fire should be burning damp and smothered. I am unable to put my heart out right now where she needs it to be so we can join each other in a true love relationship.

So I wander aimlessly trying to figure out where to go. When I see a woman that looks like my previous lover I swoon and feel a tremendous pull toward her. It is just a shell and chasing a feeling that is long gone, this I know full well. It does not help to think rationally, I have weighed the pros and cons for 2 years and neglected my conscience and all reason. I was in Love with my whole heart, and now there is a whole that may never be filled. That is partially why I do everything I can to exorcize that demon, that part of me afraid to love, makes wrong choices as to avoid true love, and fears he will never find true Love.

2010-11-16T06:37:00.000-08:00

"The Heart has its reasons which reason does not know."

Blaise Pascal

I Used To Imagine

2010-10-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

We were close,

even though we were so far apart.

Physically.

When I awoke at 5 I would think... it's 8 there. When I felt frustrated by what was happening here I would think some day this will all make sense we will be together and everything will be allright. What a nice little fantasy world I constructed. I have done that all my life. Lived in a fantasy world of one type or another.

Reality caught up again. Denial served me a heaping helping of humble pie. When the imaginary world crashed down new horizons open up to welcome me back home. There is so much work to do to clear up the mess while I have been away. Unpleasant business where I must be mean so I no longer get walked on. My kids need me and they need me now, whether they realize it or not. This whole vacation from reality must end, for all of us.

To realize almost everything I do is a maneuver to escape the cold clutches of reality makes it more easy and more difficult all at the same time. Knowing the problem is the first step to curing it, yet now I also know this is a lifelong pattern. A life long weakness. Something that cannot be so easily eliminated, it is part of my personality.

I know what I must do.

I must learn how to embrace reality and when life gives me lemons, learn how to make lemon aide.

No more running, no more hiding. I shouldn't have to worry about losing anything out there, in all likelihood I may find more of myself.

Haunted

2010-10-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

After spending almost 2 years dreaming of the day I would finally get to be with the woman I love, my hopes riding high with anticipation when our next planned rendezvous drew near. Not once but twice I was devastated by turn of events that scuttled the planned trips prior to this one. It would not nearly have been so difficult to bear had the plans not been made so far in advance and the logistics of a cross country meeting been so detailed. The times we were to be together and had those trips cancelled was beginning to approach the number of times we had actually been together. I knew I could not take another let down, and as the time drew near not a word was mentioned of the upcoming reunion. At first I took this in stride because I didn't want to jinx things in any way. Soon, as time became less than a month until we would be in each others arms again, I started to realize that once again there would be no time together. I got short tempered everywhere and with everything and eventually I snapped. My heart could not take being broken again. Now I am haunted by my inability to even reach out and find out what happened, I was not even sure this time if it wasn't going to happen. All I knew was my heart and mind were in full protection mode. I want to move on now but I can't. There is no place in my heart for any other woman and I am afraid if there even was a chance for patience and strength to allow me to be with the woman I love I have now ruined that through my inability to withstand these trials and tests, and setbacks. I do know that true love can and will find its way through any travail, and if things were meant to be it would take more than something like this to ruin everything.

I have always believed that true love would one day come to me and while it was on my heart for a moment, like a butterfly I couldn't move or it would fly away. Now I am haunted by my mistakes and not even knowing how I could have done things right, or if I am doing the right thing now by piecing my heart back together and trying to make it heal.

Our Nature, Ourselves

2010-10-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

"Whereas comedies involve people who are worse than we are, and epics involve people who are better than we are, tragedies are about people who are just like we are."

Aristotle

Just Friends

2010-09-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Those used to be the two words I dreaded the most as a young man in love. It was always the end of the road for romantic intentions and almost always the end of the friendship too. As an old man it has come full circle to me and I see both the hope and despair attached to the definition as it registers in my heart. With the experience of years I can look back and see that friendliness is better than bitterness, wholeness is better than broken ness and the passage of time smoothes over the jagged edges of shattered hearts. Friends that I thought I had lost are still there.

Its funny because the "just" in the phrase 'just friends' implies a diminished capacity for the relationship and I suppose in many ways it is. Certainly there can be no more passionate desire to be together that takes over, like a life of its own and crowds into most every thought. No more sharing of all hopes and dreams. If it was a one sided love imagination then it is probably just a brush off, but if it was the tamping down of mutual love where circumstances no longer allow the fire to burn out of control then maybe, just maybe its a lifeline to some future date.

The friends part of it is surely the tricky part. What is a friend? How do friends act? I am friendly to everyone I can possibly be friends with. I want to remain friends with all who have become dear to me over the years. But I am guilty of getting caught up in the day to day gyrations of life and not allowing myself enough time to stay intimate with even my bestest friends and my beloved family members. I want to be a better friend and I want to be there when someone needs me.

Life is constantly moving forward and I guess my best hope is and will always be the golden rule. Looking back at the triumphs and frustrations gives the true perspective, and I can honestly say that everybody I ever cared for in the past I still do. Everything that I ever did must have had a reason, even my selfishness has taught me to be less selfish. There is so little I would change if I could and its mostly just my reactions that have betrayed me and need to be controlled. Wisdom is hard fought for and every lesson is precious, just like every moment in time.

The Truth Is...

2010-09-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

Being a friend requires actually being there for your friend

Feeling like a second class individual is worse than being alone

Time and forgiveness work together and heal all hurts

What I say and what I do I hope reflect the Golden Rule

I can live with the truth and sometimes it even hurts to my soul

But since I really love my friends and I would do whatever I could for them

Like I would listen to whatever they had to say,

even if its not what I wanted to hear at that moment.

Thats just me

Apoplectic

2010-09-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in a mans endeavor when he must weigh the cost and reassess the wisdom of his venture. How in the world is this ever going to work? Is it worth my time and my heart and my soul, he asks himself. Evidence should present itself that this is undeniably the direction he should maintain. If it becomes obvious the dream will never become reality it may have to be abandoned.

All is not lost because knowledge has been gained and he knows he is a better man because he followed his hearts desire as far as he could. The reward is to live and love and to have a clear conscience.

The memory is all that was good still is.

When You Love Someone

2010-07-17T07:21:00.001-07:00

so much you would do anything to keep the love alive, including...

let it go so you have a chance to hang on

keep dreaming even though sometimes you want to cry

relive and realize every moment was so special

never lose the energy to try

Never ever give up because its always there

You know it's true you know what to do

Whatever it takes,

just never forget it takes two.

So many Drafts

2010-07-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Why am I so apprehensive to post what I feel? What do I have to lose??

Going it Alone

2010-06-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when a person so needs a friend, someone to talk to when there's a trying challenge. Sometimes the friend you really want to talk to just can't be there. I have noticed when I am in such a situation I almost always do get someone who can help me see through the clutter. Not necessarily who i wanted to share with every time, but a friend nonetheless. I want to be there for my friends, too. And sometimes it sure seems I get a situation that mirrors my own and illustrates how I can be that better friend by doing or saying the very things for someone else that I need for myself, for my own growth. I appreciate the life lessons and wonder if its karma or what that drives me to walk a mile in someone elses moccasins. Its amazing how every now and then the lessons we get in life cannot be missed unless they are ignored.

Talk About the Weather

2010-06-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

This last year has been the most amazing weather I can remember in a long time.

Knock on wood.

Global warming or climate change has brought us near perfect weather.

High Time :)Summer Solstice sweet memories

Expedience

2010-06-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

In the face of life's challenges every day I have a little list my mind likes to work under.

I hope to do something good each and every day.

I also try to clear one problem out of the way. So many times I go backwards and re plow the same row. Hoping for an improved result.

Trying to do something to show my loved ones I care, even the smallest gesture. Trying to keep some love alive when the going seems lonely and cold.

Focus on attainable goals first, chasing tails is for puppies and kittens.

It's good to dream too, and attempt to keep alive a pledge I made to myself back in my youth. I will not surrender my ideal, or compromise with this world, ever again. I had been brought down where I couldn't even see what I was doing to the detriment of my own peace of mind. To break free of the trap only to get lured back in? I have followed my heart and now my mind has difficulty reassuring me, if I move toward a more beneficial way. I have been so blessed and yet I still feel like what is missing is the better part of my heart. It won't be so difficult to deny myself as to try not to hurt someone else.

I know its the same for everyone in this world, there's a way that seems right. Why can't it just be obvious? Sure some things are obvious and actually quite simple. Big picture things of right and wrong. Commandments. But then there are things that lie just below the surface that are so easy to misunderstand, what the trial is and what path leads to more spiritual growth. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the right path. But the fork in the road always creates some doubt. And that is when we must know God is with us even when we make a mistake.

I remember a church sermon where the Pastor was talking about God opening up doors and He has a contingency for every choice and there is a way to get back to doing His will even if you start out going the wrong way, maybe it's not the original path God intended but in the end all paths lead back to the source and to Him.

The Sun also Rises

2010-05-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

I look at hopes and dreams a little differently these days. A lot of times I used to look at why things arent happening how I want them to happen, right now. And what can I do to get it right? But the bigger picture keeps moving toward me. Things are happening and sometimes I just can't see because its right in front of me. I have grown stronger by not caving. I am closer because whatever awaits is another day more near to dawning. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I am so thankful just to be in the world making a small contribution. I will do whatever I can to make my responsibility count. I will always do my best and hope for the same.

Some People Have Nothing Better to do

2010-05-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

I had a blogging friend who went through a similar episode with a reader who continued to come back and make dumb ass comments. Adding nothing to the topic but contrary provocations. I posted a few of the comments in hope to illuminate this person into moving on and seeing that while i read the comments I don't understand them or the reason to keep coming back to me and my little blog site. I write stuff that interests me and don't need an off site editor at large. I neither try nor care if I am politically, grammatically, or interestingly correct. These are all random things that could interest a friend or a family member or just get it out of my own system. Someday I will look back on the entirety of what I have written and what? Just remember what was going on back then...

So if my little friend had something to say personally I would hope they would leave a way for me to see to that.

Otherwise enjoy, and now I guess I have a new angle to write toward. And that is the perspective that idiots are also reading this and gears are slipping inside teeny tiny brains.

I'm So Allergic

2010-04-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have weeds growing in the backyard that are crazy. I have battled them for 2 years and they get worse and worse. I am not sure where they came from, but they are easy enough to get rid of. Their roots are shallow and come right up. But the darn weeds are kind of sticky and then I realized that picking them I get a rash, almost like poison oak. And every time i pull them and get the rash it gets a little worse! It's just awful and I know with the alternating sunny rainy days we have had its not helping. I guess I am going to have to call in the round up. We have not had many warm days yet but the situation is getting critical here.

Update: I added a couple more pics of the offenders, there are the foxtails, which I call Dogs Bane, and then the pic in front of the stack of scaffold frames is the little devil I am allergic to. At least these things choke off all other weeds so when they are plucked out by the roots the ground is relatively weed free! :)

When I read between the Lines

2010-04-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

I see what I want to see,

Sometimes.

I see what I am afraid to see,

Mostly

I see my dream far away

or is everything else becoming nearer

The only thing I am not sure I ever get to see is... Reality

I read into my situations all my hopes and dreams. The heart is just a wild animal and logic and reason cannot deter it from what it has felt and seeks above all things to feel again. Bound by memory of the past, the shadow world of false hope entices me to pause and exhaust all ways around to find the happy ending. Trading what is real and less than perfect for the hope that never quite materializes is like a phantom that beguiles and tantalizes every waking thought and even sneaks into dreams. Yet letting go of that hope is like letting go of all chance to ever feel again the truest passion I will ever know.

So I won't, because I can't.

Love is a Lost and Found and Lost and...

2010-04-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well I found you when you found me, too

We worked our way through the day to days,

together

More than a heart was saved back then

More than a lover, so much more than a friend

I found what was missing, and its true

When everything seemed beautiful and new

Im hanging on to hope now because

there's not much else to hold onto

Who we See

2010-03-14T19:24:00.001-07:00

I used to believe that there was the possibility of more than one person with whom I could find the love and happiness and completeness of a soul satisfying relationship. I am now thoroughly convinced there is only one person.

Maybe, it is only one person at a time? And while that individual is locked into the heart there can be no other?

It is so confusing, out of the billions of souls on the Earth at any given time how do we find who we are most compatible with?

And, when we do find that person... Everything can be perfect, but that may still not be enough. The world and life's steering can force anyone somewhere they never intended to be. All intentions toward where we want to go may be circumvented by honor and duty, responsibility and fates fickle chance. Everybody has their course charted with only a few diversions possible. What is found by that road can be lost just as quickly at the speed of life.

What is meant to be doesn't always happen quite the way it's hoped for. Ultimately control is not all ours. And as painful as that is to accept,

still,

in the end it's the way it should be

?!?!?!?

For Tomorrow Never Comes

2010-02-22T06:29:00.000-08:00

I remember good times like they were yesterday, yesterday was here and left me with a smile. Today I am trying to figure out where the rainbow went. It isn't as close as tomorrow, and if tomorrow ever got here I would know that its today.

Sensitivities

2010-02-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

When a person feels as if they have an exclusive connection with another a lot of emotions are simply expected and accepted as understood and mutually held. When things get scrutinized all the variances are then laid bare and can be explained if patience is held with a desire to know. At times it was easy and simply an obvious extraction, all that was good was true.

Time and separation dull all sharp definitions. Clear paths get overgrown, set goals change, new challenges replace old difficulties and time marches onward. Reconnection becomes relearning, both identities must know and care enough to demonstrate what was done and what is still held as truth are in line with what was the original commitment in spirit, in the heart, in friendship.

Sometimes waiting is imposed from without, circumstances eliminate the choices. Sometimes waiting is within, the heart cant get out of its own way.

A true heart will remain in that state indefinitely.

Have it Your Way

2010-02-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

I think of my to do list and it keeps getting longer, while the contingencies to embark keep me tied in knots. Life can sometimes seem an endless series of waiting. I am so lucky I have patience, sometimes I wonder where my procrastination ends and my patience begins. I believe in a limitless horizon, I believe what I have been shown is just the outer surface of what could be in store. My faith gets tested and is found to be lacking, yet I will always cling to the positive. What is good gets better and static will fade. What is bad I hope to leave far behind. The human mind is amazing how it can heal itself, strengthen itself, and learn from itself.

I only need to lay the blame on why these are the lessons I have chosen to learn?

There's Light in the Darkness

2010-02-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Theres a beacon that shines amid the darkest of days and promises to guide the paths of those who search for direction, day or night.

Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Colossians 3:2

Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the LORD of hosts.

Malachi 3:1

I Wonder

2010-02-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

The Lord always provides a way out, always puts people in our path that can help. I never want to use anybody, however, I know destinies collide and if I can help I am happy to do so, too.

Sometimes it may seem like a friend is there and then they are not, but they are. Sometimes the growth exceeds the available space and can no longer be contained. Sometimes the directions change the course and since we always grow toward the light...

Realizations

2010-01-28T08:54:00.000-08:00

We come into this world with nothing and with nothing we depart. Along the way we gather the things that make us who we are. We live, we love, we win and we lose. We gain and we give back, we remember and lest we forget, we hold on. We meet and we bond, we adjust and we care. We fight to preserve ourselves and our dignity, and we try to stay true.

We go on as far as we can and if we never give up the blessing is ours.

On Longing, Jealousy, Loneliness and Love

2010-01-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

What ever happened to my spirit?

Hopes rise and fall, If I lose control I wonder...

I'm so full of hope and still find despair?

I ask, and I receive,

Life is the Blessing we make it, all ways. : )

我可以認識您

2010-01-17T09:09:00.000-08:00

I can know you

Our lives encompass one another seeking friendship that can stand the test of time

Memories and dreams entwined to form bonds

where only open space existed before

I hoped to build bridges to that future as life begins anew

Nothing breaks down those barriers completely,

I see now

Nothing can express love quite that sweetly,

but you showed me how

What was shared is all the evidence I need,

what I felt was my soul freed

I see heaven is closer than not, in good time we will share

I will meet you there, I will meet you there

In God speed I meet you there

Where the Heart Is

2010-01-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

I have learned so much from my friends, some newer and some people I have known for years and years. I am so thankful to have someone to talk to when I am at my wit's end. I believe the Lord sends us people who can help and when we listen the wisdom and the blessing become crystal clear. The hope I cling to is that what is right and true in the end is what wins hearts and minds.

The Meaning of Christmas

2009-12-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

Let the trumpets sound! Unto us this day our Saviour is born.

Hark, the Herald Angels Sing.

Thinking of all who are dear and remaining in contact. I will be praying for the gift of Love, for the whole world.

All the modern mechanisms can bring us closer...

Christmas wishes for me are mainly to keep in touch with dear friends and Family.

Send a letter and hope to hear back soon : )

Every day could be like Christmas if we never forget the reason for the Season. The birth of our Saviour.

Santa represents giving from the heart, our Love and ourselves.

Winter Wonderland

2009-12-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

Love to Go Around

2009-12-16T06:39:00.000-08:00

The dividing of attention and the size of my heart are not directly linked. Sometimes I get the feeling that some people feel there is only enough love to fill the heart full and then it remains static. I like to think of my heart as being able to grow with every new friend and to welcome in and keep all who are dear.

My children have the top spot and they know it, but they want to be assured, and sometimes they feel threatened when they realize I turn my attention elsewhere. It's not that they don't want me happy, it's that they feel left out, and realize they are not completely controlling the environment.

I have always tried to be honest and forgiving and above all, understanding in all relationships. In my walk I have tried to find the balance between responsibility and necessity and personal desire. I would never do anything to damage anybody else in any way, no matter what happened in the past. I would feel awful if I ever caused another parental relationship with their children any hardship or difficulties. I know well from my own situation and I believe the Golden Rule.

As important as a parent child relationship is for the growth of the child it is also important for the children to have happy parents and to understand that their parents have a life that is independent from the kids, also. Our children will eventually grow up and have a life of their own, and then they will hope we have one too.

Christmas Past

2009-12-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas Past and Christmas Future will never compare to Christmas Present.

I remember dreaming during the countdown to Christmas Day as a kid and how it seemed it would never come.

It's funny how, even as an adult I continued to put much anticipation into hopes and promises out in the future. Because, if my happiness depends on another person or another situation, disappointment is inevitable. To live for the day is the dream,

and the reality.

When One Door Closes Two more Open?

2009-12-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

I thank God every day for everything, and today he may have set me free.

: )

If It Snowed Today?

2009-12-07T06:16:00.000-08:00

If it snows in the Sacramento Valley today, is that Global Warming, or just climate change?

Isn't it ironic how sometimes things happen in the world at large and get illustrated on the local level, too?

I would love to see a little snowfall today, here. With so many liberals in the State wouldn't that be great if on the day of their big event in Copenhagen they got to have snow for the first time in their big cities here? It's such a fitting kick off to the big "Climate" event.

To Be Thankful

2009-11-26T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am always thankful for life and the chance to improve upon my circumstances with every new day. I can count the ways I am Thankful:

Health

Children

Ability to Work

Knowledge of the Lord

Friends

The Beauty of our Natural World

The Gift of Life

The pursuit of Happiness

Our Freedom

A whole Universe of possibilities

Laughter

Smiles

Hugs

I am Thankful our Country has always overcome adversity. And I am certain when we are done dabbling in the present reconstitution of Socialism we will emerge stronger and freer than if we never decided to see what was in the shadows and just around the corner.

The new world order needs to be Freedom for all. Not just North America.

Not just Europe (ha!)

Not just an Island...

Is it Faithless?

2009-11-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wonder if, when I make a move that could be seen as hedging, in regards to my deepest hopes and desires, am I proving faithless or just being pragmatic?

When faith is shaken, what is the realistic human response to the fear of being disappointed? Having lived through my own personal letdowns, the last thing I want is to contribute to similar despondency in anyone else's life.

The cause and effect of human emotions and where and when feelings begin and end is a mystery for all the ages. It can even be illustrated as a mathematical equation, just with constantly fluctuating variables.

All human relations have a divine example in the way that God loves us, forever. If we follow that example we cannot go wrong.

Bark at the Moon

2009-11-05T05:48:00.000-08:00

It is so difficult to get a good picture of the moon, but I am inspired to try every time I see it.

Joey is such a good boy!

kisses? : )

Happy Haunting

2009-11-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

Learning Spanish is easy

2009-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

You just need motivation <3

Dream a Little Dream

2009-09-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

Sweet memories...

...If a memory can be made from a future event.

2009-09-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Some photos of our day trip down to the American River Bridge outside Auburn. A nice Labor Day weekend excursion down to my favorite river spot.

Joey came with us but he was swimming and looked like he would get himself in trouble out in the current. He became a liability but I know he had fun too. It was great to get the kids out of the house for a few hours.

A couple of My favorite songs

2009-09-05T20:33:00.001-07:00

Not the original but this one I think is better to my tastes

And one more because after I lost it on the song chart I always wanted it back...

State Fair was Fairly Stated, as... Fun!

2009-08-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

The County exhibits are always my favorite, or one of my favorite parts of the fair. Here are some of the noteworthy offerings. I thought these people did great work on these displays of some of their Counties best attributes.

I tried to show the county name in the photo and let them speak for themselves.

The portraits here were done with jelly bellies, thats such an interesting medium I had to try and show some of the work. The bear was in the works right then so it can be seen how it was done. I love the colours and the compositions that a fair presents, it's so much fun to try and capture with the camera.

What About John and Kate?

2009-08-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

I get so tired hearing about a gerrymandered relationship that is only dragging out for ratings and sensationalistic headlines. It's ironic that my own relationship gone awry was a John and Kate, too. I moved on without the glamour of a breakup in everybody's face. I see the daily headlines and I cringe, how many more days can these two and whoever is pushing this keep interest in the sordid disrespectful selfish and unrealistic union alive and worthy of voyuers attention? Think of the kids, and how they will someday have to realize their parents acted like fools. If their drama is prolonged past the point of pointlessness as mine has done I am certain all viewers would be lost.

Love is A Two Edged Sword

2009-08-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

I hear these types of sayings, but I only really understand them in my own experience. I know why they withstand the test of time as I go through my heart rending situation. There's a summation of countless emotions being felt, so many other people have gone this way, too. We are all together as we keep alive the meanings and definitions.

So we are never really alone.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Hearing that doesn't make it any easier, but it is comforting, nonetheless.

My Heart Was in Her Hands...

2009-08-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

A year was all we had,

But in reality it was a handful of Days

I gave my love freely, with both hands

I couldn't hold on to it anyway...

I would do it all over again

If I get to keep my friend

Honestly

2009-07-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

Our lives are tethered to this world by a million strands of hope, trust, faith, desire, knowledge, duty, inquisitiveness, possibility et cetera. We need to believe in something that reaffirms and reassures progress toward our ideals as we grow spiritually and as human beings.

I have found ways to make shields to protect myself and my loved ones, unfortunately I also block some of my potential growth opportunities. In the end I guess its better to be safe than sorry?

The most basic building block is that we believe and trust those with whom we share our lives. It becomes more difficult when its family because their best interests are always in the forefront of our minds. And we can be blinded by love so easy. I never want to hurt another soul and I pray that I do not.

To be a friend is an honour and a privilege. To remain so is a commitment.

The Window of the Soul

2009-07-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can see what it means to be free, feel how it feels to have hope, and to believe better days will surely come. You know that by the pain that we humans can feel in our souls there really is something more than mere flesh and blood that is who we really are.

We see the world and are moved by its beauty. It is nearly impossible to look at this creation and not acknowledge there is an intelligent designer. It takes as much faith to believe in nothing as to believe in God. You can hear it when the wind blows or waves crashing upon the shore, or the thunder rolling. Our senses touch the world as well as register in the spiritual world.

Sometimes I think of what Christ did for us as he felt all of our pain, suffered all our punishment and freed us up to be whole again in the eyes of God. When you think of this very thing its a rather humbling experience. Such an enormous grief he bore. For us.

When I think of my mostly personal and selfish issues that tear at my heart I have to pause to regain a proper perspective. I guess everybody has a right to want all good things in their lives, and I know that we possess our souls in patience. If I go back to the cross where Jesus paid the price for all our sins I will be reminded that God is with me in all things, He knows what I may be going through. I must continually go back to the cross where Jesus suffered for me, too. And how if I feel I have a right not to have to suffer, I am in error. Or that I should avoid it at all costs. Maybe my lot is to learn from these hard times through the pain. Maybe this adversity is really my blessing.

God has given me great gifts in which I am eternally grateful. He has given me chances to correct myself and I think I have. I know that I am a work in progress and am so lucky to be alive. Giving up has never crossed my mind. Seeking his will is my duty. God said "ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find", and I just know its true.

I never want to forget what it means to love and really be loved, and I never will, so help me God.

Happy Independence Day!

2009-07-05T15:39:00.001-07:00

We had fun going to the fireworks show in Roseville but it was moved to Sierra View C.C. so the works were a couple miles away from the fairgrounds. But we had fun anyway and did some at home later.

And my camera did a better job capturing my sweethearts than it did the fireworks, maybe next year I will know the right setting.

When Mortality Dawns Upon US

2009-06-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today a pair of "Iconic" Americans passed away, following another well known persona yesterday. Ed McMahon died yesterday after a lengthy illness and well publicized personal finance troubles, forever remembered as Johnny Carson's sidekick and yes man. Farah Fawcett passed away today after a long bitter battle with a tough cancer, expected, yet still a shock as a living legend has left US. Then on top of those, Michael Jackson has a heart attack and passes away at 50?
Michael had a lot of bizarre tabloid troubles, yet this suddenness is just a complete shot across our collective bows.

I think our country likes to live vicariously through our celebrity culture, worshipped and enabled, for the very purpose of being like a mirror to look into our own selves and to dream a little dream about fame and fortune, "what would it do to me?" Since everybody knows about these people we all share in the loss and still we try to figure out how we really are affected. I think the whole outpouring of grief will be overdone and over covered. And yet, I also think many of these people are mourning for something or some part of their own lives they feel is now lost. Maybe living vicariously also means dying sympathetically.

Is this the three, as in tragedy coming in sets of 3? I will pray for their souls and hope there is a lesson for all of US in this. Life is never gauranteed and no matter what our troubles amount to as a portion of our consciousness, we will someday leave it all behind and move on to the next stage of our souls developement.

There are troubles brewing out there in the world that will require everyone to become self-less. We don't want to waste our grief on the passing of an individual or three, as we could be looking at the passing of our way of life and our countries position in the world. There are perceptions and then there are realities. The times they are a changin' ~ for sure.

May we all take a moment and reflect and think of how we can become better people, to all who we come in contact with.

A Solstice Anniversary Vision

2009-06-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happiness is...

an everlasting love made exclusively for two, and I only want to share this blessing with my best friend. I know she knows that I know that she knows. This is exactly how I feel, it's purely harmonious and truly something special.

If Love travels in all directions, its travails at least seem to go the ways of gravity. The highs are so high and the boundaries limitless, but its the deepness that excites my inquisitive nature to explore its nuance and arouses my desire to find the right words to translate this most indescribable feeling.

The expression needs to come out perfect, and somehow, because I started to relay these thoughts out loud it seems more difficult to say it just right. Therein lies the challenge, to describe the very emotions that dwarf words and deeds and relegate powerful sentiment into numb adages.

How do I measure or probe that which is indefinable? How can I touch on what sometimes seems just out of reach and even unobtainable? Theres a feeling I want to describe but mere words diminish and turn what is graceful, natural, and flowing into something clumsy and common.

The multplying force of passion finding passion mesmerizes me out of my body and into my spirit. I can't let go of this chance to realize what seems to be at the very meaning of life. I won't give up until what I see in my heart becomes the reality I crave. True joy will come to me, if I can hang on and not just smother these flames with my doom. Some things will only happen once in a lifetime and must be acted upon while there's still enough time. All the signs and their vibrations, the pure emotion and its profound meaning, direct me, like a compass, to my love.

How To Be a Rock

2009-06-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

Thats what I want to know.
I know just how I feel, and it's so incredibly strong. But I fear the brittleness that comes along with that. And then I fear the fear that goes along with that. We have come so far, but the road disappears right around the bend.
Its all more than us, together, its our individual souls needing to grow. Its all we have ever been, and even what can come to be.
I want more than anything to stay strong. Thats how I will remain. I really can ignore all my doubts. I can even turn off the pain. I want to be the last man standing.
I can win by not losing.

Patterns

2009-06-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

Do you see my pattern?

I see patterns in everything that happens in life.

The magnificent tapestry our Lord created is woven with such artistry and detail we cannot see all the designs, all the possibilities, all the splendour that is the entirety of this world. Where we fit in, is our little spot. Where we go, is where God puts us. What we do with it is our choice, how we fit in is how we agree with God.

The patterns change and yet somehow it all stays the same.

Unfortunately, it's too late for me to change, too.

It takes Time

2009-03-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the first day of Spring, a time for Love?
How ironic my previous post here is grappling with the issue that has since become the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. More ups than downs, but when a person is not in reality, how easily we deceive ourselves. If there are more ups than downs then in the end there is a big drop to get back on the ground. Trust was what I had stressed then and still see that as what I need now. Trust in the Lord, first. I missed that chance. I suppose I missed all the way around.
My inevitable crash and burn has taken me to a new low I never knew existed. I put my heart in a place where all that could happen was for it to be broken. I did not believe I would be so easily cast aside, I believed in Love.
We can never doubt the power of Love in all its forms. First, there is the Love for our creator, the be all and end all. God is to be centrally placed in our lives and in our hearts or we will stumble, I know from experience, now. I knew this, yet I still tried to put the gift from God, the love I felt for another, past the giver in the hierarchy of my heart. Then theres the love of a parent for their child, the most powerful force in nature. Designed by God to ensure that our children have every chance to grow up and be happy and whole. For some this Love also becomes a defense shield, a motivator, and a cross to bear. I have felt the sting of children being placed before me in their mothers' hearts. And that is as it should be, but, when all that is left is being a disposable person who becomes nothing in the shadow of the kids, the pain is real and illuminating. And I know better about the multiple levels of Love and where I fit in.
I love my own children with all my heart and I would die in a second for them, I realize they will grow up and lead lives of their own, since they too are Gods children they need lives of their own, just like me. God will protect them, just like me, and God will instruct them, just like me. I trust in God for that. Maybe thats the difference between Mothers and Fathers, Mothers had the child inside of them and therefore always feel like they are one, while Fathers were always seperated and cannot know how difficult it is to detach, and relinquish protection to the creator of us all.
The type of love that has eluded me in this life is that of a woman - as a lover and a friend. I have had brief glimpses that faded or turned. I may still have a chance, what I have found and placed in my heart I will never give up on. Maybe God will lead me in a new direction and set me free. Maybe I will stop being an inconvenience and the love that has bloomed can grow?
I am so down because I feel that God will not allow me to really be in love completely in this life, as if it is just not possible. I know that something great will happen if I keep my faith in God, and let it be in His time.
I have to have faith.
Thats all I have.

Anymore.

To Do What's Right

2008-09-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to my heart, and I am following the lead. If I have never been right before, why this time? If I am still not following the Lord, when will He ever hear my prayers?

How do we ever know we can trust with whom we fall in love, when we must do exactly that? The faith shown there is as much as I will ever put into anything. I want to believe there's a love thats true, every bit as much as I need this love, too.
I choose to believe. I choose of my own free will. But I also believe my time is short, now. Everywhere I turn the evidence points toward an end. And as much as anything else right now, I need a friend.

Life can twist and turn and leaves many bitter and hurting. If we make it through our troubles and keep a cheerful heart I know happiness is sure to follow. The strength of self reliance can build me up, as surely as misplaced faith will tear me down. The question is, do I have another loss that I can afford? My heart is not yet fully broken, and I can't believe that is what God wants. But God does want me to be free. The chains that bind us to the world are bolted to my heart. I am not too blind to see,
that is where to start.

Fathers Day

2008-06-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

It is terribly sad that Tim Russert passed away right before Fathers day, when His Father and being a Father to his son were so very important to him, and I am certain he had plans. A consumate professional whose politics I would hardly ever agree with, Tim Russert was about as even handed as one could ever hope for in the mainstream media. He passed away a relatively young man, 58 years young, so it comes as even more of a shock to everyone. Tim was very hardworking and driven to be the best he could be, but dying so young makes one wonder if he got in all the things in life that he had intended. Sometimes when morbid thoughts grip me, I too wonder if I am missing large parts of life in my quest for securing a better future. A future that, unfortunately, for some never comes. I know there is a secret to living life to the fullest, taking care of responsibility and even finding reward in the smaller everyday things that are always taken for granted.
We all have a common Father, and God deserves the central eternal devotion from all his children. If we look at God as the one who takes care of us as our fathers here on earth are supposed to do, we would have a security that would empower us to achieve so much more than we ever realized. Even when our faith is weakened we are sustained and breathe and survive. I would pray all people remember their Father in Heaven on Fathers Day, too.
When the time comes to acknowledge the higher power in our lives I know some people are frightened and think that denial will be an acceptable alternative to obeisance. It simply is not so, our Lord and saviour reminds us of our need for him every day. Seeking utopia here on earth without God will certainly fail every time it is tried. Things happen to give a wake up call, it could be those earthquakes and tornadoes. It could be the passing of a loved one or even a prominent person we all felt we knew. Life can never be taken for granted not even for just one day.
And thats a very good reason to pray.

Is the End Just a New Beginning?

2008-05-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

When all energy has been expended then peace can take hold because there is nothing left to do. I feel I have reached this apex almost within an undertow. As subtle as it now feels I know how the hurt and pain have dogged me through the years, almost numbing my soul by it's very oppression. I am ready to try to live again, to live by senses, with light, feeling love, feeling nature, feeling.
My horizon has always been so far out. But I sense a shrinking of the distances. Hope is there for me if I am brave enough to embrace a destiny that was unforeseen. Life's adventure doesnt always have to be mapped all the way to a safe end. It can be mapped all the way to a happy place and let God be the judge, true hearts will find a way.
When the last gasp of Love lashes out in rage and despair at it's betrayel...
It is then that it's over, a calmness will descend and peace can once again prevail.

Yosemite is somewhere near Paradise

2008-05-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

Grandma Muff painted this 50+ years ago. A testament to the beauty and wonder of this awe inspiring region. Our family has lengthy ties to the park and deep gratitude to all who preserve and appreciate its awesome beauty.

Quotes Eternal

2008-05-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

"For my part, I think the chief reason which prompted the invisible God to become visible in the flesh and to hold converse with men was to lead carnal men, who are are only able to love carnally, to the healthful love of his flesh, and afterwards, little by little, to spiritual love."

Saint Bernard, 1091- 1153

Trust Is...

2008-05-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Required.
Not Sold.
Forever taking hold.

I saw Heaven on Earth

2008-05-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

If only for just one night, never to be forgotten.
This tree was planted years and years ago to enjoy the view of Mt. Baldy from the shade. The horizontal branch makes a perfect seat, I know it inspires me, too.

If I ever get a chance to go there again I will. And sit there, and contemplate the meaning of love.

The Searching

2008-05-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

Some people are searching for love
Some people are searching for a thrill
Some people are searching for heat
Some people are searching for pills
Everybody's looking for something
Why they do what they do makes a difference
Why they dont do anything to help themselves makes no sense, to me

But sometimes the pain keeps you awake
And if you numb it all you're never going to see
Some people are just passing the time
And some abusing everything
We can never know when our luck will run out
If thats all that we count on to get by
We are all allowed just so many days
And in the beginning, and the end, we are dependent
When its time to stand, thats the time to be strong
Life is a circle
So it makes no difference when you start to live

Why I am going Crazy

2008-05-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Day turns into night again just like the tide rushing in. Nothing really changes here, I guess, I should be smarter by at least one day. Those who take know how to do it, I just don't want to train the next generation to do that to anyone else. I helped to create my prison walls, now I can tear them down. If there is no respect it gets shown in all the littlest things. A helping hand, a smile, kind words go the distance. Contrast that to the clutter and the hunger and the frown. It's no wonder I'm feeling so down. Ive seen the other side and it makes this place seem sad.

Whats in a word?

2008-05-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

Jingoism, a word that gets cast around with impugnity by the Nuanced Vendors of peaceable windowdressing;
Definition- a professed patriot who advocates an aggressive, warlike foreign policy.
Nuanced use: mindless or irrational position, somehow negative, as in "there really are no perceptible threats out there".
Reality, If we weren't "jingoistic" how long would this country actually last? Could we have withstood the past tribulations with this marshmellow stance against enemies who have sworn to kill us?
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The word gets used almost as if its a slur. I guess there are many words in every language that have a real and direct meaning but are prone to being usurped into the lexicon of self serving bomb throwers. We all need to think before we speak, but I also think we need to think before we listen and think before we read, and think before we think. And then think a little more.

Sometimes I think as words slide away from their original definition and take on a new meaning they are branded and the new meaning takes over the ownership to where we dont even consider what the word really means. Slang happens.

Can Two Hearts Beat as One

2008-04-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I was all alone
you came into my life
I learned I still have something to give
in the world of the living
Thats right
When a chance comes like an angel from heaven,
suppose I hadn't tried, then
I would deserve the tears I cried
With little understanding, it seems
A heart full of holes still beats on
I will still be here long after she's gone
So Please take it easy on me
This weakness is really my strength
The power of Love transforms all beings towards light
so if we feel we've done allright
Tonight may be the night we see
Inspiration is free, motivating me

Never Give Up

2008-04-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

Scientists who exalt their own selves over the known universe have now found God and named it after themselves. How quaint. Well... "Seek and Ye shall find". I wonder if their super collider will start a chain reaction inside and outside the galaxies and they will know there really is a God, right before they die?
Well their theories are always out to prove that God does not exist. Their scientific method always starts with the premise that attempts to prove God is their own finding, creation, imagination. Secular Humanisms' prophet has thusly spoken. Someday soon we will all know who was right. And who was deluded.
Mr. Higgs does not claim the notoriety for himself, apparently the honor has been bestowed upon him by the priesthood of atheistic true believers. Whose faith is definitely as a mustard seed.

Let's Have Dialogue

2008-04-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

Agreements come in all shapes and sizes, I remind myself of this every now and again. Human Beings have the capability of twisting, shrinking, or inflating anything. We love to scare ourselves and then stare it down, face it and conquer it. Sooner or later we must make peace, with ourselves , who we love, and even strangers whose paths cross our own.

Being Driven Away

2008-03-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

That's the way I feel. Driven. Driven away from myself, away from My Loves, Away from God, do I even have a chance to get myself back?

Attacks are all around me. Darts hurled by an enemy I cannot understand. My enemies' goal is to seperate me from my God, and what I love. And how I live out my days will be determined by how I face down these Demons.

Right now I am failing, I was to win over an unbeliever, and I have failed. I tried too hard at all the wrong times. And not hard enough the rest of the time. May God have mercy on me, the lowliest of His servants. Barely able to secure my own salvation, through faith, in this most awesome God, somehow I have. My creator, my Light, my only hope, thank you for the gift you gave me, once-for all time.

The raging torrent of emotion has faded once again and left me so cold I am shaking. As if I walked across the thin cracked ice over the frozen pond. I had better not go out there, but I must get to the other side. The mist that wreaths the moon in shrouded, diaphanous mysteries, sets the mood as nothing else could. Each step takes me closer to either my dream or my doom. The cracking sounds snap my attention downward but the echoing makes hope seem so very far away. Alone in this tempest of raw emotion and fear, I feel more numb. Apart from the naivette of youthful ignorance and a bliss that was as false as that reality that had never been reckoned for, how can I pretend I am not afraid?

He Has Risen

2008-03-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. John 1:1-5

32"Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me". 33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 17 After Jesus said this he looked toward heaven and prayed. "Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life:that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now , Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began." John 16:32 -John 17:5

Now Thomas (called Didymus) one of the Twelve, was not with the Disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"
But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my fingers where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
A week later his disciples were in the house again and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with You!" Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."
Thomas said to him"My Lord and my God!"
Then Jesus said to him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20: 24-29

Happy Easter!

Jesus was Black?

2008-03-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I never knew that. Not that it would really matter, but I thought He was Jewish. Possibly Ethiopian? Perhaps. Divisions abound when we are talking about events 2,000 years ago. I love the way Obama has chosen to transcend race in our country. I wonder if He chose to be the One before He chose His Church and Pastor? Or maybe it all just fell into place, under the guidance and Tuteledge of one Jeremiah Wright. We will have to Read Barack's next book to figure that one out I guess. The connections to Black Liberation Communist Theology should scare the Hell out of the lefties, but Maybe Barack will let them sit on his Board of Race Relations. If Obama can pull off this Hoax of a Candidacy I will be very afraid for our Nation as a Whole. The divisions will be so many. The ability to correct will be minimized. Beware of wolves in Sheep's clothing.

Out of the Abundance of the Heart

2008-03-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

Barack's Pastor has been disavowed by Mr. Obama

I believe Barack is being disingenuous when he says that he didn't know this guy was capable of this kind of diatribe. It is starting to seem as if Barack is a Political opportunist calculating and saying whatever is expedient, moment by moment. I know that these incendiary remarks will get less play than if a white guy had said such things. And as for Barack being somehow a uniter across party lines, I noticed that when He had the opportunity to vote with Republicans(When the Democrats did agree) Barack chose those times not to vote. I wonder if that was seen as agreeing with "whitey" by His Pastor, therefore, somehow unacceptable?
Watch how this politician gets raked through the coals for these remarks. Even a white woman can't express truthful views of their own? Although I guess the Homosexual lobby could be more powerful than the Black Racist thought police. We shall see!
Liberals fighting for the low road, HA! Freedom of Speech? Yes, but take responsibility for the words you choose, and associations that you use for the 'street' credibility you need. And be prepared to own it all the way to Valhalla.
Wright or Wrong

We Have Lost a Standard Bearer

2008-02-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. William F. Buckley Jr. The conservative movement has been diminished by the call home to a patron sage. May the inspiration and thinking power live on in all true conservatives. I pray to the Lord to look after one of His own.

Obama Can Win

2008-02-21T05:54:00.000-08:00

Isn't it ironic, this whole Obama mania has sucked me in as well. Only my obsession is limited to this cult of personality, the sheer irony of the Leftists going religious, and how a man (as far as we know, he is just a man) can get so close to an all-powerful position with no realistic credentials.

I have a faith that our system will bring to light the relevant data about who Barack Hussein Obama really is. I don't care about the B.S. If he smoked pot or did coke. I gave Bill Clinton that same pass, as sooner or later all our elected officials will most likely have experimented. Bill Clinton lost me when he lied about it. I respect Barack's candor. As long as he isn't doing drugs now it does not matter to me. If he had an affair, well as long as he doesn't defile the oval office or subject himself to blackmail, I could not care less. But Michelle Obama interjecting herself into this thing is alarming. I don't want to start doing all the similarities to the Clinton's, but some are eerie. Co-Presidents, Lawyers, Harvard instead of Yale, Black instead of White, Populists, more Liberal than they would ever dare admit to, etc. etc.

The Identity Politics that the Democrat party plays is thin and flimsy at best. They claim to be trying to Unite our country but all I see are lines of division. What conservative principles has Barack espoused? He's acting like Santa Clause. Something for every little group and only raising taxes to pay for it. He probly wouldn't even raise my taxes, but if I was ever fortunate to make more money, there would be the Obama Plan. Talk about a disincentive to put in the grueling work it takes to build wealth in my business. But I am sure Barack has a plan for that too, right? Open Borders and more of that cheap labor?

I cannot help but be drawn to this phenomenon like a moth to a flame. I know there will come a day when a world leader will become like the Messiah. I know what happens next. I really don't believe it will be an American, but the globalization taking place is also scary and ominous. Just the idolatry of these followers is mystifying to me. And the irony of his name has not gone unnoticed by me. We are fighting radical Islamascists and a candidate with Hussein in His name is peculiar. Can anybody say Manchurian?

I know the Leftists will be the ultimate reason our country falls but if it comes about through a religous like movement, then that would be the most ironic paradox of them all.

The Message From God For the Church Through the Ages

2008-02-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

I found this and have to re-emphasize and re-print it. This is where we are now at the last stage of the Church age and awaiting our Lord at any moment.

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John Walvoord,President of Dallas Theological; Seminary- The Revelation of Jesus Christ, Moody Press, 1966
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Taken as a whole, the messages to the seven churches of Asia constitute a tremendous warning from Christ Himself, expressed in the exhortations to each of these churches. He warns the churches today to"hear what the spirit says to the churches."
The Church at Ephesus represents the danger of losing our first love, that fresh ardor and devotion to Christ which characterized the early church.
The church at Smyrna represents the danger of fear of suffering. They were exhorted by Christ to "fear none of the things that they would suffer." In this day when the persecution of the saints has been revived in many places, the church may well need this admonition.
The church at Pergamos illustrates the constant danger of doctrinal compromise, which is often the first step toward complete defection from the faith. Would that the Modern Church, which has forsaken so many fundamentals of Biblical faith, would heed that warning!
The church at Thyatira is a monument to the danger of moral compromise. The church today has not only tolerated but in many cases encouraged compromise of Biblical moral standards.
The church at Sardis is a warning against the danger of spiritual deadness, of orthodoxy without life, of mere outward appearance but no inward reality.
The church of Philadelphia is exhorted to keep enduring with patience and maintain the "little strength" that they had while they wait patiently for the Lords return.
The final message to the church at Laodicea is the crowning indictment, a warning against the danger of lukewarmedness, or self-sufficiency, of being unconscious of desperate spiritual need.
The invitation given long ago to the seven churches of Asia to hear what the Spirit says is extended to all men and churches today. A loving God would have men hear and believe, turn from their idols of sin and self, and look in faith to the Son of God, who loved them and gave Himself for them.
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I too believe the Revelation in terms both for the individual and for the church and for the whole world. We need to know what is there and seek to be prepared as each signpost is passed and we draw ever nearer to 'The Day of the Lord"

A Plea to the Suicidal Nutcases

2008-02-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

These Ramapages that end with the shooter killing a bunch of people and then turning the gun upon themself flabberghast and bewilder me. What kind of legacy is that to leave in this world? I wonder if the tortured soul of someone so callous and depraved can even comprehend what a horrific memory they are leaving behind. Do they even care? And if they don't care, then how did that vaccuum get instigated. If their pitiful existence needs to be put out of it's misery then why don't they just kill themselves and keep the bad karma to a minimum?
I am not sure if in this instant news 24/7 cycle it just seems like more of this heinous atrocity is occuring. Or if, indeed, more people are falling off the cliff of despair and dashing their lives on the sharp rocks of reality's fate. I beg of anyone who would do such a thing to talk to someone who can help, anyone who is so depressed they could actually take their own life needs compassionate counseling. And most importantly, to be guided toward our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. For only Satan would counsel a human being to kill other people and then kill themselves. Only Satan would guide a person toward self destruction.
Please, any and all, Lets all pray that this evil is removed as we pray for all evil to be removed. I cannot begin to register the sadness the victims families are feeling and the senselessness of these deaths.

The Bubbling Cauldron

2007-05-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

The Good ; Just a few more of these guys to go!
The Bad : Destabilization could bring calamity to us all.
The Ugly: Talk about ugly Americans, this guy hates himself so much he hates all of US.
The world today is such a wicked place. The pressure mounts on all to do the right thing. On this day we should go back to the beginning thank our mother's and try to recapture their hopes and dreams of who they wanted us to become. If they are no longer here then say a prayer for their soul.

Great Quote of the Week

2007-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

"The greatest destroyer of peace is abortion because if a mother can kill her own child, what is left for me to kill you and you to kill me? There is nothing between."
Mother Theresa

Great Quote of the Week

2007-04-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

"In this world, full often, our joys are only the tender shadows which our sorrows cast."
Henry Ward Beecher

Great Quote of the Week

2007-04-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

He shall be afflicted with evil, that is surety for a stranger: But He that is aware of the snares shall be secure.
Proverbs 11:15

Great Quote of the Week

2007-03-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy Law
Psalm 119:18

what I can do today?

2007-03-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

What does it mean, to live?
Ill pile all my laundry where you should be sleeping. That way something is there.
To Live, thats what we hope happens.
Lies are wise to despise. Like the clutter with which I barricade away my dreams.
It's all there for our enjoyment. But I cant take it I don't deserve it.
We must fear success because then we are subject to daeth.

Great Quote of the Week

2007-03-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

"What they desire is a method of forgetting God that will pass as a method of remembering Him." E.G. White

Pardon Me, Excuse Me, I'm Sorry

2007-03-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

It seems like the Media Intelligentsia overseeing our National Conscience want America to apologize for every perceived slight from the early days of this country right up to now and our battles for National Survival. Everything that a Liberal looks at must be seen through a prism of the perfect world being the unanimous incontrovertible consensus, therefore should be embraced by all. Tearing down whatever it takes to create a perceived "equality". The Liberal optimist never sees the holes in our defenses this mentality promulgates. Perfect equality cannot be created for all human beings when we are not all equally blessed with the same gifts. Those who can perform brain surgery are not necessarily equal to those who stand by the freeway offramp and beg for food and money. Just as those who serve our country either overseas fighting or here upholding the Law are not equal to the sleeper terrorists here in America hiding and waiting to attack innocent civilians, or the people who die with a needle sticking out of their arm.
From the treatment of Native Americans, the ousting of Britain, Slavery, Civil War, Chinese Railroad workers, buying the Southwest from Mexico, Fighting in W.W.I, The Great Depression, W.W.II, the Cold War, the Civil Rights movement, the Counter Culture of the 60's, Viet Nam, the Computer Age, Energy crises, War on Terrorism, and now Global Warming, there has been continual struggles to move forward and keep this Nation as fair and strong as possible. Things have not always been done properly without anybody being slighted, but we can't rewrite history. Even though that gets attempted all the time. To acquiesce to pressure brought on by a cadre of underachievers who can only uplift themselves by sinking others falls far short of equality, fairness or self-reliance.
Two recent stories have come up that beautifully illustrate exactly where the hypocrisy emanates. The recent firing of the U.S Attorneys, and General Pace's comments about homosexuals in the military.
Take the U.S. Attorneys story. President Clinton came into office and fired all U.S. Attorneys, now President Bush fires 8 and gets castigated as a political partisan move. Well the U.S attorneys serve at the behest of the President and can be fired when necessary. Senator Charles Shumer Democrat New York says attorney general Alberto Gonzales should resign over this. The Attorney General did acquisce and say something along the lines of sorry, mistakes were made. I get infuriated every time the liberal media gets the conservatives to backpedal and aid them in their portrait of the conservatives as mean or disingenuous. Shumer says Gonzales' chief of staff Kyle Sampson can't take the fall for Alberto like Libby did for Cheney. Isn't that special, Shumer lecturing someone on ethics and taking responsibility. If my memory serves me well Shumer's office had credit reports on Michael Steele and Shumer's protege Lauren B. Weiner went down. And isn't that crime a felony? When you're a Democrat slandering a Republican I guess the truth and facts don't really matter. And the media will fail to point out the duplicity.
Oh well, all that is not surprising and neither is the Homosexual agenda making another inroad toward being an acceptable alternative lifestyle endorsed fully by the U.S. Government. I guess the Homosexuals feel that if the United States Govt. says it's O.K. then their abomination will be approved by all morality. General Pace came out and spoke his mind, obviously it was not politically correct, and he has been raked over the coals in the press. As a Marine, General Pace is more than likely a very no nonsense, by the book, stand up guy. He also said that adultery was immoral, so he is not just picking on gay people. That is what's going wrong in this country everybody is afraid to make a stand based on moral principles, as if everybodies morality is somehow unique and not bound to a higher standard. I am thankful for General Pace to stand up and claim God as our standard. I also worry about our military being insidiously undermined at it's very foundation. All the big Democrat players are pandering to the homosexual lobby and stating they will allow outright homosexuality in the ranks. As if dealing them a big loss in the War against Global Islamist Terrorism isn't a good enough slight. It will soon be a marvel if anybody wants to serve. At least General Pace will not back down and apologize for being right.