Something Else

When you love someone so much, for so long
If it never quite materializes the way you think it should be,
The way it should be
The way it could be
Does it become something else?
Maybe just a fantasy, imaginary
A challenge,  protection, infatuation
Redemption or idealistic projection
A way to hide, from trying for something else
Something you tried, like fear of flying
You get over it with help,
Yet the memories will stay alive
And haunt the days and nights the same
such lonely times rarely get the blame
It's still messed up and vague
The something missing turns up often
just to be reality
And with it Lovelorn sage

Lessons of Life

To get through the days, I have realized that I can live my life to the fullest if I live like I am with her, even though I cannot be with her now. I can do everything the same as if we were together, I can keep my head up, keep my faith in God, try to do what is right. I can keep my love for her, I don't have to give up anything.
The only unbearable tomorrow is hopelessness, and there isn't time for that right now.

Missing the Point

What makes the most sense in this scenario?
A man falls in love with a woman who is unavailable and he waits for her forever. He knows the two are perfect for one another and any other woman will not get his full heart. He waits and waits and she may never become available. Maybe she finally does get free but will her heart stay the same for him after all this time? He was fantasizing that the love they shared was mutual and as deep as the oceans and as wide as the universe. He was projecting in the end because what was a miraculous find shouldn't ever be lost.

He moves on and finds a woman who can give her whole heart to him. He loves her as much as he can, he is protecting his heart  by trying to recapture that feeling where he is so in love he could and would do anything.
 It is not sufficient and now another heart is breaking.

Time and tide will tell, what this poor unfortunate soul should do. Hurting anyone else is not an option, neither is giving up on true love. But the flame in his heart will never ever go all the way out for her. It may just have to remain embers for the rest of their lives. A glowing reminder of the happiest days ready to be re ignited, ready to love again.

Happy thanksgiving

To be thankful for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It's the best of times - it's the worst of times, vicarious living must be exchanged for real life. The only people in this world I am bound to are my children and the time has come to prove I will do anything for them, what's best for them will be what's best for me, too.
One year goes by so quickly, four years has gone by so quickly . It's like a whole era can come and go and maybe come again, who knows?

What To Do. ?


When you love someone and would do anything, but can't. The world seems to be spinning away,  from me. So many things I've learned and would say, if there was a chance. I tried to stay away from what hurt for protection, but that hurts too. All the memories are so good and so clear. The best days ever and dear, to my heart. Sweet memories. Cherish the day. Fleeting. I had  written a message to send. I decided maybe it would make things worse, so I saved it. If I could just let her know what's in my heart, I would feel I did my best, the right thing. I would be able to say "I will always Love You, Forever" because I mean it. I will send that message. I will send it soon.

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

Its over now, finally, I understand. It's not like I give up. I am giving in. Knowing full well the way I felt could last forever, should last forever, would have lasted forever. Love should feel good, happy. It should effervesce every day and find a new way of expression that can be shared. I know what we had was special, and in my heart and memories it will remain. Alive.
 Everything that was is almost gone now. Some parts willfully left behind, some things taken from me, much can be replaced and everything has changed.
Wherever life takes me it still feels like I have a friend, like I am never alone. I move onward with the hope that all this was meant to be, and what is about to happen is what should happen. I know in my heart  I tried the best I could. I know it was true. It still is.

The Full Moon

Looking up into the evening sky and seeing the full moon conjures a peaceful nostalgia and awakens a dormant yearning to right what went wrong. Life has lots of mistakes and missed opportunities. Times when the hearts desire is close enough to taste. Times when completeness seems attainable. Some chances present themselves again sometimes lost is gone forever.

I have learned enough to know that even though I knew I was lucky beyond my wildest dreams and I did savor every moment because I knew it was more than I could hold onto, I lost a grip on reality.

The heart and the mind.

The sun and the moon.

Small things, Big things.

Ascertainable or veiled.

Everything becomes one in a poetic sense.

Eternity at a glance, temporarily aligned.

Hearts on Fire

Frozen in Time

God is Love

Love is sublime

Idealization

In my mind, my creation

love that can never die

As deep as the ocean to the sky

just to be able to have felt that way back then

I am forever thankful in every way

I lived in the moment the best I could

cherished each kiss and couldn't hug tighter

I remember still with wistful smile

when looking in her eyes made my heart skip 3 beats

I would tell her it's the same today,

but Life forced our separate ways

I can still thank God every day

I was given the chance to feel that way

My heart is healed and the adoration is clarified

I got to know true love and felt real passion

Now, I'm holding on loosely without no hope

that these embers get to again catch their fire and

the flock of butterflies inside my chest,

may never find their rest

Is it my failure, is this my test?

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Common sense and the Court of Law should be synonymous and what's right should always find it's way and to be. Division of property and family can be equitable without opposition and really needs no mediation. But when one person is ordered to suffer more hardship so another, equally capable, does not you have a breakdown of the whole process.

What gives a person the thought in their head to lie and claim a certain degree of helplessness just so they don't have to work any harder than they feel they should? To put the shackles on what another person can become with the backing of the state. Whatever happened to making a decision and then living with it?

Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly, but all vows have to be honored and picking and choosing makes the marriage contract null and void in my eyes. If the Law respected common sense and honesty could be tested maybe people would not be so afraid to get married.

I know these issues are as old as the hills and I can't begin to express my frustration with the system, but i want to be on the record as having no confidence. Not in the State, not in my ex, not in the process, not at all. The only thing I know is that I love my children and I have to and will do right by them.

3 years to the Day

Falling in love

I fell

For every action there's equal opposite reaction

Every cause has its effect

Every Dream faces reality

The price I pay

to this day

Worth it in almost every way

I was High

Brought Low

still only one way to go

I learned and watched

yearned and botched

turned around

found the ground

gave away

everything

Anything That Helps

I see someone who reminds me of her,

and my heart immediately swoons

I while away my time thinking about all that was,

and I never get that far away, though I try to see why I'm stuck

Memories, like empty rooms can be refilled

Behind every door the chance is there to win again

I got lucky before, I'll get lucky again, the faulty logic says

But I never was a gambling man

For some reason I can't forget my good fortune,

I guess its because it was true, one time

It hurts to lose the bet

to realize there is no second chance out there

The one thing that never changes

I missed her again today

Ashamed of this Weakness

An addictive personality latches onto anything that makes it complete. Using activities and ideas to posit the thought process into a comfortable channel. Dreaming a dream if that helps to dull the grating grip of cold reality. How many times have I been played? How did I want to be played? Was I coerced and tricked into sin or did I willingly go there and do that? These questions will never be answered but I can say honestly my deceptions never were meant to beguile another person. My sin was always meant to be replaced with the honorable intention. Having no other way to get to my goal I fell into the trap. Still I sinned.

For the Love of All

She loves me

She Loves me Not.

What is Love?

What is Lust?

Where do we find these answers?

When do we know its really real?

How can we trust a feeling?

Why can't it just come easy?

Who is the one for me?

Is it supposed to be eternally?

Update: Is it supposed to be at all?

What Are You Waiting For?

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,

Of meadow flowers and butterflies In summers that have been.

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire
And think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many thingsThat I have never seen.
In every wood, in every spring
There is a different green.

I sit beside the fire
And think of people long ago.
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door--

J.R.R.Tolkien and Bilbo Baggins

What a beautiful poem that came into my mind as I sit, not beside a fire, but beside a parabolic electric heater and think of what to write. I feel the need to write something maybe just to clear some space inside my brain or maybe to set the thoughts free to soar. Maybe it's in hopes that the right person will read the words and understand some of the things I have always had such a hard time conveying. Whenever I try to write my deep thoughts, deep fears, deep hopes and dreams, they seem to scatter like shadows from the noonday sun. I have had a few titles in mind lately that seemed like could launch literary brilliance and clean out some clutter in the closets of my mind at the same time. But when I start a de evolutionary spiral causes second guessing and doubts sabotage the inertia needed to boldly go. In other words I get thought tied and the weakness of my writing skill betrays my emotion.

All I ever wanted was to be understood. To have the time needed to give and receive trust. When I tried to be perfectly clear I created contradiction by fearing the great unknown. When I tried to protect my own fragile ego I sent a mixed message. Being afraid to lose was the act of faithlessness that weakened the chain. Over protecting my heart must have made it slow to respond. Knowing it was too good to be true undermined whatever chance there was. Stubbornness to re calibrate all these things ended the equation. Sometimes ground must be given up in order to move forward.

I figured that out a little too late...

To Live is to Love

if you are not doing both you are not fully doing either.

There are many ways to love

many ways to feel

I still feel Loved, its different yet the same

just because things changed

no one need take blame

I am so thankful it was real

I feel lucky I got to know

More lucky all the time

The moment lasts forever in my heart

and all love does is grow

in different ways

its more today

Tomorrow? who's to say

※丌

On the Verge

Wave after Wave and it keeps coming in

I am moving with the flow

No need to test the fates right now

The moments captured forever remain

The pictures are what I saw that day

Every day I want to give a new view

To My Friend

I wonder how things ever got to where I am unable to even let you know how I feel. There was a time when I thought you could practically read my mind and there was nothing that needed to be said, we just knew. I guess like any thing in this material dimension energy must propel motion or gravity takes hold. We did our best and our stars crossed and I believe we blessed each other with Love that will last because love is what God made to last into eternity. Maybe we will never be quite the same but I am honored to have shared moments with someone I will allways consider my good friend.

Thank You,

respectfully yours丁丅

Self Preservation

Its time to say good bye. The end of an era. For 12 years now I lived on that street. I will miss the little things like the projects I wasn't able to finish, the trees I planted will just grow on without my admiration, and not seeing my children finish growing up here is certainly not how I planned my future when I first moved in.

I got to see change, and some good knowledge came and I grew as a self sufficient human being by leaps and bounds. I goofed up and lost some ground, too, so I will never make some of these mistakes again I am sure.

I lived at this residence longer than I lived anywhere in my whole life, so I feel like there was a sense of great stability and I grew so much in so many ways. Where I am being led is a great mystery right now, the once great State of California can barely contain me anymore. If this was not where my business was created and my best chance to make decent money I would be long long gone.

I have been praying a lot that I move only in a direction that God would have me go. I won't stop praying until I feel I am home again and then my prayer will no longer be for wondering but thanking the Supreme Lord that He got me to go where He wants me to be.

To Be

I feel loved

even as

I still feel pained

I feel so hopeful and yet restrained

I remember the power of my last Lover

How she was more than perfect for me

The taste so sweet I fell the further

I can never forget her smile

Even time stopped when we held onto each other

So I did get to see an Angel right then

and She renewed the life inside me

I know even though its now gone

She does still remember me

As I move on

And try to find what got lost

I know

Love can yet save a soul

And I will do my part

To bring joy to some other broken heart

Whom Do You Serve?

World views and Religions can share the same Earth and thrive. All it takes is to allow ones own faith to light the pathway to the Spiritual Sky. So many religious battles are ignited by lack of Faith. If one belief system wants to show the way then by all means Lead By Example. That is probably all God has been waiting for.

A Dilemma for Sure

Sometimes in my certainty I overlook the obvious vagaries and I just assume that all is essentially decided and finished. Even if things are not yet getting to where I want to be.

Desiring to move on but looking back to see what may have been missed. Like the angels when they told Lot and his family not to look back, and unfortunately Lots wife did.

Talking to my ex wife I just figured because the marriage dissolved and I was not ever going to try and reconcile that she felt that way too. Not even sure if she does desire reconciliation, but maybe she wants me to try so she can shoot me down... I just don't know, and I really don't care.

So when we recently re-discussed the things that led to the end of that marriage I did want to find the reasons, for I will never make the same mistakes again. I am talking about mistakes in the way I treated and reacted to situations not like the mistake of choosing to marry her in the first place. I actually really would have put up with more just to keep my honor and to keep my family whole for my children for a little while longer. Even though this marriage was doomed to fall apart eventually. I couldn't go it alone anymore.

Even though she never really acted like she loved me she said she never stopped. I am not sure why it took me a step back when she said that. I never felt it, we never worked at it, I was more or less in a blind haze for years just consumed with the struggle to get by.

I am sure that one thing I never really felt was like that woman really loved me. Since the divorce I have had the chance to feel real love. I got a small taste of what I craved and maybe it was just a fantasy, but I felt it, really felt that spark. Like a defibrillator shock I was brought back to life.

I wont fall for my ex's ruse now, but I do think this explains why I have had reticence to just boot her @ss out and get on with everything else I must face. I feel pity for her and her situation, I do care about her as she is the mother of my children, but I also feel as if she didn't keep her end of the bargain to join forces and be one.

I am not really certain that I did my best either, looking backwards. But I do know I was true until it became stupid to remain so. I can live with everything that has happened to me I just pray that I learn the lessons right and can become a better person. God gives second chances and I hope to make mine count. Even though I feel torn I dont feel torn up. Like a broken bone that gets stronger, I feel like every little tribulation I get to face just prepares my heart to feel more love when I get to.