I Used To Imagine

We were close,

even though we were so far apart.

Physically.

When I awoke at 5 I would think... it's 8 there. When I felt frustrated by what was happening here I would think some day this will all make sense we will be together and everything will be allright. What a nice little fantasy world I constructed. I have done that all my life. Lived in a fantasy world of one type or another.

Reality caught up again. Denial served me a heaping helping of humble pie. When the imaginary world crashed down new horizons open up to welcome me back home. There is so much work to do to clear up the mess while I have been away. Unpleasant business where I must be mean so I no longer get walked on. My kids need me and they need me now, whether they realize it or not. This whole vacation from reality must end, for all of us.

To realize almost everything I do is a maneuver to escape the cold clutches of reality makes it more easy and more difficult all at the same time. Knowing the problem is the first step to curing it, yet now I also know this is a lifelong pattern. A life long weakness. Something that cannot be so easily eliminated, it is part of my personality.

I know what I must do.

I must learn how to embrace reality and when life gives me lemons, learn how to make lemon aide.

No more running, no more hiding. I shouldn't have to worry about losing anything out there, in all likelihood I may find more of myself.

Haunted

After spending almost 2 years dreaming of the day I would finally get to be with the woman I love, my hopes riding high with anticipation when our next planned rendezvous drew near. Not once but twice I was devastated by turn of events that scuttled the planned trips prior to this one. It would not nearly have been so difficult to bear had the plans not been made so far in advance and the logistics of a cross country meeting been so detailed. The times we were to be together and had those trips cancelled was beginning to approach the number of times we had actually been together. I knew I could not take another let down, and as the time drew near not a word was mentioned of the upcoming reunion. At first I took this in stride because I didn't want to jinx things in any way. Soon, as time became less than a month until we would be in each others arms again, I started to realize that once again there would be no time together. I got short tempered everywhere and with everything and eventually I snapped. My heart could not take being broken again. Now I am haunted by my inability to even reach out and find out what happened, I was not even sure this time if it wasn't going to happen. All I knew was my heart and mind were in full protection mode. I want to move on now but I can't. There is no place in my heart for any other woman and I am afraid if there even was a chance for patience and strength to allow me to be with the woman I love I have now ruined that through my inability to withstand these trials and tests, and setbacks. I do know that true love can and will find its way through any travail, and if things were meant to be it would take more than something like this to ruin everything.

I have always believed that true love would one day come to me and while it was on my heart for a moment, like a butterfly I couldn't move or it would fly away. Now I am haunted by my mistakes and not even knowing how I could have done things right, or if I am doing the right thing now by piecing my heart back together and trying to make it heal.

Our Nature, Ourselves

"Whereas comedies involve people who are worse than we are, and epics involve people who are better than we are, tragedies are about people who are just like we are."

Aristotle

Just Friends

Those used to be the two words I dreaded the most as a young man in love. It was always the end of the road for romantic intentions and almost always the end of the friendship too. As an old man it has come full circle to me and I see both the hope and despair attached to the definition as it registers in my heart. With the experience of years I can look back and see that friendliness is better than bitterness, wholeness is better than broken ness and the passage of time smoothes over the jagged edges of shattered hearts. Friends that I thought I had lost are still there.

Its funny because the "just" in the phrase 'just friends' implies a diminished capacity for the relationship and I suppose in many ways it is. Certainly there can be no more passionate desire to be together that takes over, like a life of its own and crowds into most every thought. No more sharing of all hopes and dreams. If it was a one sided love imagination then it is probably just a brush off, but if it was the tamping down of mutual love where circumstances no longer allow the fire to burn out of control then maybe, just maybe its a lifeline to some future date.

The friends part of it is surely the tricky part. What is a friend? How do friends act? I am friendly to everyone I can possibly be friends with. I want to remain friends with all who have become dear to me over the years. But I am guilty of getting caught up in the day to day gyrations of life and not allowing myself enough time to stay intimate with even my bestest friends and my beloved family members. I want to be a better friend and I want to be there when someone needs me.

Life is constantly moving forward and I guess my best hope is and will always be the golden rule. Looking back at the triumphs and frustrations gives the true perspective, and I can honestly say that everybody I ever cared for in the past I still do. Everything that I ever did must have had a reason, even my selfishness has taught me to be less selfish. There is so little I would change if I could and its mostly just my reactions that have betrayed me and need to be controlled. Wisdom is hard fought for and every lesson is precious, just like every moment in time.

The Truth Is...

Being a friend requires actually being there for your friend

Feeling like a second class individual is worse than being alone

Time and forgiveness work together and heal all hurts

What I say and what I do I hope reflect the Golden Rule

I can live with the truth and sometimes it even hurts to my soul

But since I really love my friends and I would do whatever I could for them

Like I would listen to whatever they had to say,

even if its not what I wanted to hear at that moment.

Thats just me

Apoplectic

There comes a time in a mans endeavor when he must weigh the cost and reassess the wisdom of his venture. How in the world is this ever going to work? Is it worth my time and my heart and my soul, he asks himself. Evidence should present itself that this is undeniably the direction he should maintain. If it becomes obvious the dream will never become reality it may have to be abandoned.

All is not lost because knowledge has been gained and he knows he is a better man because he followed his hearts desire as far as he could. The reward is to live and love and to have a clear conscience.

The memory is all that was good still is.

When You Love Someone

so much you would do anything to keep the love alive, including...

let it go so you have a chance to hang on

keep dreaming even though sometimes you want to cry

relive and realize every moment was so special

never lose the energy to try

Never ever give up because its always there

You know it's true you know what to do

Whatever it takes,

just never forget it takes two.

So many Drafts

Why am I so apprehensive to post what I feel? What do I have to lose??

Going it Alone

There are times in life when a person so needs a friend, someone to talk to when there's a trying challenge. Sometimes the friend you really want to talk to just can't be there. I have noticed when I am in such a situation I almost always do get someone who can help me see through the clutter. Not necessarily who i wanted to share with every time, but a friend nonetheless. I want to be there for my friends, too. And sometimes it sure seems I get a situation that mirrors my own and illustrates how I can be that better friend by doing or saying the very things for someone else that I need for myself, for my own growth. I appreciate the life lessons and wonder if its karma or what that drives me to walk a mile in someone elses moccasins. Its amazing how every now and then the lessons we get in life cannot be missed unless they are ignored.

Talk About the Weather

This last year has been the most amazing weather I can remember in a long time.

Knock on wood.

Global warming or climate change has brought us near perfect weather.

High Time :)Summer Solstice sweet memories

Expedience

In the face of life's challenges every day I have a little list my mind likes to work under.

I hope to do something good each and every day.

I also try to clear one problem out of the way. So many times I go backwards and re plow the same row. Hoping for an improved result.

Trying to do something to show my loved ones I care, even the smallest gesture. Trying to keep some love alive when the going seems lonely and cold.

Focus on attainable goals first, chasing tails is for puppies and kittens.

It's good to dream too, and attempt to keep alive a pledge I made to myself back in my youth. I will not surrender my ideal, or compromise with this world, ever again. I had been brought down where I couldn't even see what I was doing to the detriment of my own peace of mind. To break free of the trap only to get lured back in? I have followed my heart and now my mind has difficulty reassuring me, if I move toward a more beneficial way. I have been so blessed and yet I still feel like what is missing is the better part of my heart. It won't be so difficult to deny myself as to try not to hurt someone else.

I know its the same for everyone in this world, there's a way that seems right. Why can't it just be obvious? Sure some things are obvious and actually quite simple. Big picture things of right and wrong. Commandments. But then there are things that lie just below the surface that are so easy to misunderstand, what the trial is and what path leads to more spiritual growth. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the right path. But the fork in the road always creates some doubt. And that is when we must know God is with us even when we make a mistake.

I remember a church sermon where the Pastor was talking about God opening up doors and He has a contingency for every choice and there is a way to get back to doing His will even if you start out going the wrong way, maybe it's not the original path God intended but in the end all paths lead back to the source and to Him.

The Sun also Rises

I look at hopes and dreams a little differently these days. A lot of times I used to look at why things arent happening how I want them to happen, right now. And what can I do to get it right? But the bigger picture keeps moving toward me. Things are happening and sometimes I just can't see because its right in front of me. I have grown stronger by not caving. I am closer because whatever awaits is another day more near to dawning. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I am so thankful just to be in the world making a small contribution. I will do whatever I can to make my responsibility count. I will always do my best and hope for the same.

Some People Have Nothing Better to do

I had a blogging friend who went through a similar episode with a reader who continued to come back and make dumb ass comments. Adding nothing to the topic but contrary provocations. I posted a few of the comments in hope to illuminate this person into moving on and seeing that while i read the comments I don't understand them or the reason to keep coming back to me and my little blog site. I write stuff that interests me and don't need an off site editor at large. I neither try nor care if I am politically, grammatically, or interestingly correct. These are all random things that could interest a friend or a family member or just get it out of my own system. Someday I will look back on the entirety of what I have written and what? Just remember what was going on back then...

So if my little friend had something to say personally I would hope they would leave a way for me to see to that.

Otherwise enjoy, and now I guess I have a new angle to write toward. And that is the perspective that idiots are also reading this and gears are slipping inside teeny tiny brains.

I'm So Allergic

I have weeds growing in the backyard that are crazy. I have battled them for 2 years and they get worse and worse. I am not sure where they came from, but they are easy enough to get rid of. Their roots are shallow and come right up. But the darn weeds are kind of sticky and then I realized that picking them I get a rash, almost like poison oak. And every time i pull them and get the rash it gets a little worse! It's just awful and I know with the alternating sunny rainy days we have had its not helping. I guess I am going to have to call in the round up. We have not had many warm days yet but the situation is getting critical here.

Update: I added a couple more pics of the offenders, there are the foxtails, which I call Dogs Bane, and then the pic in front of the stack of scaffold frames is the little devil I am allergic to. At least these things choke off all other weeds so when they are plucked out by the roots the ground is relatively weed free! :)

When I read between the Lines

I see what I want to see,

Sometimes.

I see what I am afraid to see,

Mostly

I see my dream far away

or is everything else becoming nearer

The only thing I am not sure I ever get to see is... Reality

I read into my situations all my hopes and dreams. The heart is just a wild animal and logic and reason cannot deter it from what it has felt and seeks above all things to feel again. Bound by memory of the past, the shadow world of false hope entices me to pause and exhaust all ways around to find the happy ending. Trading what is real and less than perfect for the hope that never quite materializes is like a phantom that beguiles and tantalizes every waking thought and even sneaks into dreams. Yet letting go of that hope is like letting go of all chance to ever feel again the truest passion I will ever know.

So I won't, because I can't.

Love is a Lost and Found and Lost and...

Well I found you when you found me, too

We worked our way through the day to days,

together

More than a heart was saved back then

More than a lover, so much more than a friend

I found what was missing, and its true

When everything seemed beautiful and new

Im hanging on to hope now because

there's not much else to hold onto

Who we See

I used to believe that there was the possibility of more than one person with whom I could find the love and happiness and completeness of a soul satisfying relationship. I am now thoroughly convinced there is only one person.

Maybe, it is only one person at a time? And while that individual is locked into the heart there can be no other?

It is so confusing, out of the billions of souls on the Earth at any given time how do we find who we are most compatible with?

And, when we do find that person... Everything can be perfect, but that may still not be enough. The world and life's steering can force anyone somewhere they never intended to be. All intentions toward where we want to go may be circumvented by honor and duty, responsibility and fates fickle chance. Everybody has their course charted with only a few diversions possible. What is found by that road can be lost just as quickly at the speed of life.

What is meant to be doesn't always happen quite the way it's hoped for. Ultimately control is not all ours. And as painful as that is to accept,

still,

in the end it's the way it should be

?!?!?!?

For Tomorrow Never Comes

I remember good times like they were yesterday, yesterday was here and left me with a smile. Today I am trying to figure out where the rainbow went. It isn't as close as tomorrow, and if tomorrow ever got here I would know that its today.

Sensitivities

When a person feels as if they have an exclusive connection with another a lot of emotions are simply expected and accepted as understood and mutually held. When things get scrutinized all the variances are then laid bare and can be explained if patience is held with a desire to know. At times it was easy and simply an obvious extraction, all that was good was true.

Time and separation dull all sharp definitions. Clear paths get overgrown, set goals change, new challenges replace old difficulties and time marches onward. Reconnection becomes relearning, both identities must know and care enough to demonstrate what was done and what is still held as truth are in line with what was the original commitment in spirit, in the heart, in friendship.

Sometimes waiting is imposed from without, circumstances eliminate the choices. Sometimes waiting is within, the heart cant get out of its own way.

A true heart will remain in that state indefinitely.

Have it Your Way

I think of my to do list and it keeps getting longer, while the contingencies to embark keep me tied in knots. Life can sometimes seem an endless series of waiting. I am so lucky I have patience, sometimes I wonder where my procrastination ends and my patience begins. I believe in a limitless horizon, I believe what I have been shown is just the outer surface of what could be in store. My faith gets tested and is found to be lacking, yet I will always cling to the positive. What is good gets better and static will fade. What is bad I hope to leave far behind. The human mind is amazing how it can heal itself, strengthen itself, and learn from itself.

I only need to lay the blame on why these are the lessons I have chosen to learn?