3 years to the Day

Falling in love

I fell

For every action there's equal opposite reaction

Every cause has its effect

Every Dream faces reality

The price I pay

to this day

Worth it in almost every way

I was High

Brought Low

still only one way to go

I learned and watched

yearned and botched

turned around

found the ground

gave away

everything

Anything That Helps

I see someone who reminds me of her,

and my heart immediately swoons

I while away my time thinking about all that was,

and I never get that far away, though I try to see why I'm stuck

Memories, like empty rooms can be refilled

Behind every door the chance is there to win again

I got lucky before, I'll get lucky again, the faulty logic says

But I never was a gambling man

For some reason I can't forget my good fortune,

I guess its because it was true, one time

It hurts to lose the bet

to realize there is no second chance out there

The one thing that never changes

I missed her again today

Ashamed of this Weakness

An addictive personality latches onto anything that makes it complete. Using activities and ideas to posit the thought process into a comfortable channel. Dreaming a dream if that helps to dull the grating grip of cold reality. How many times have I been played? How did I want to be played? Was I coerced and tricked into sin or did I willingly go there and do that? These questions will never be answered but I can say honestly my deceptions never were meant to beguile another person. My sin was always meant to be replaced with the honorable intention. Having no other way to get to my goal I fell into the trap. Still I sinned.

For the Love of All

She loves me

She Loves me Not.

What is Love?

What is Lust?

Where do we find these answers?

When do we know its really real?

How can we trust a feeling?

Why can't it just come easy?

Who is the one for me?

Is it supposed to be eternally?

Update: Is it supposed to be at all?

What Are You Waiting For?

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,

Of meadow flowers and butterflies In summers that have been.

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire
And think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many thingsThat I have never seen.
In every wood, in every spring
There is a different green.

I sit beside the fire
And think of people long ago.
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door--

J.R.R.Tolkien and Bilbo Baggins

What a beautiful poem that came into my mind as I sit, not beside a fire, but beside a parabolic electric heater and think of what to write. I feel the need to write something maybe just to clear some space inside my brain or maybe to set the thoughts free to soar. Maybe it's in hopes that the right person will read the words and understand some of the things I have always had such a hard time conveying. Whenever I try to write my deep thoughts, deep fears, deep hopes and dreams, they seem to scatter like shadows from the noonday sun. I have had a few titles in mind lately that seemed like could launch literary brilliance and clean out some clutter in the closets of my mind at the same time. But when I start a de evolutionary spiral causes second guessing and doubts sabotage the inertia needed to boldly go. In other words I get thought tied and the weakness of my writing skill betrays my emotion.

All I ever wanted was to be understood. To have the time needed to give and receive trust. When I tried to be perfectly clear I created contradiction by fearing the great unknown. When I tried to protect my own fragile ego I sent a mixed message. Being afraid to lose was the act of faithlessness that weakened the chain. Over protecting my heart must have made it slow to respond. Knowing it was too good to be true undermined whatever chance there was. Stubbornness to re calibrate all these things ended the equation. Sometimes ground must be given up in order to move forward.

I figured that out a little too late...

To Live is to Love

if you are not doing both you are not fully doing either.

There are many ways to love

many ways to feel

I still feel Loved, its different yet the same

just because things changed

no one need take blame

I am so thankful it was real

I feel lucky I got to know

More lucky all the time

The moment lasts forever in my heart

and all love does is grow

in different ways

its more today

Tomorrow? who's to say

※丌

On the Verge

Wave after Wave and it keeps coming in

I am moving with the flow

No need to test the fates right now

The moments captured forever remain

The pictures are what I saw that day

Every day I want to give a new view

To My Friend

I wonder how things ever got to where I am unable to even let you know how I feel. There was a time when I thought you could practically read my mind and there was nothing that needed to be said, we just knew. I guess like any thing in this material dimension energy must propel motion or gravity takes hold. We did our best and our stars crossed and I believe we blessed each other with Love that will last because love is what God made to last into eternity. Maybe we will never be quite the same but I am honored to have shared moments with someone I will allways consider my good friend.

Thank You,

respectfully yours丁丅

Self Preservation

Its time to say good bye. The end of an era. For 12 years now I lived on that street. I will miss the little things like the projects I wasn't able to finish, the trees I planted will just grow on without my admiration, and not seeing my children finish growing up here is certainly not how I planned my future when I first moved in.

I got to see change, and some good knowledge came and I grew as a self sufficient human being by leaps and bounds. I goofed up and lost some ground, too, so I will never make some of these mistakes again I am sure.

I lived at this residence longer than I lived anywhere in my whole life, so I feel like there was a sense of great stability and I grew so much in so many ways. Where I am being led is a great mystery right now, the once great State of California can barely contain me anymore. If this was not where my business was created and my best chance to make decent money I would be long long gone.

I have been praying a lot that I move only in a direction that God would have me go. I won't stop praying until I feel I am home again and then my prayer will no longer be for wondering but thanking the Supreme Lord that He got me to go where He wants me to be.

To Be

I feel loved

even as

I still feel pained

I feel so hopeful and yet restrained

I remember the power of my last Lover

How she was more than perfect for me

The taste so sweet I fell the further

I can never forget her smile

Even time stopped when we held onto each other

So I did get to see an Angel right then

and She renewed the life inside me

I know even though its now gone

She does still remember me

As I move on

And try to find what got lost

I know

Love can yet save a soul

And I will do my part

To bring joy to some other broken heart

Whom Do You Serve?

World views and Religions can share the same Earth and thrive. All it takes is to allow ones own faith to light the pathway to the Spiritual Sky. So many religious battles are ignited by lack of Faith. If one belief system wants to show the way then by all means Lead By Example. That is probably all God has been waiting for.

A Dilemma for Sure

Sometimes in my certainty I overlook the obvious vagaries and I just assume that all is essentially decided and finished. Even if things are not yet getting to where I want to be.

Desiring to move on but looking back to see what may have been missed. Like the angels when they told Lot and his family not to look back, and unfortunately Lots wife did.

Talking to my ex wife I just figured because the marriage dissolved and I was not ever going to try and reconcile that she felt that way too. Not even sure if she does desire reconciliation, but maybe she wants me to try so she can shoot me down... I just don't know, and I really don't care.

So when we recently re-discussed the things that led to the end of that marriage I did want to find the reasons, for I will never make the same mistakes again. I am talking about mistakes in the way I treated and reacted to situations not like the mistake of choosing to marry her in the first place. I actually really would have put up with more just to keep my honor and to keep my family whole for my children for a little while longer. Even though this marriage was doomed to fall apart eventually. I couldn't go it alone anymore.

Even though she never really acted like she loved me she said she never stopped. I am not sure why it took me a step back when she said that. I never felt it, we never worked at it, I was more or less in a blind haze for years just consumed with the struggle to get by.

I am sure that one thing I never really felt was like that woman really loved me. Since the divorce I have had the chance to feel real love. I got a small taste of what I craved and maybe it was just a fantasy, but I felt it, really felt that spark. Like a defibrillator shock I was brought back to life.

I wont fall for my ex's ruse now, but I do think this explains why I have had reticence to just boot her @ss out and get on with everything else I must face. I feel pity for her and her situation, I do care about her as she is the mother of my children, but I also feel as if she didn't keep her end of the bargain to join forces and be one.

I am not really certain that I did my best either, looking backwards. But I do know I was true until it became stupid to remain so. I can live with everything that has happened to me I just pray that I learn the lessons right and can become a better person. God gives second chances and I hope to make mine count. Even though I feel torn I dont feel torn up. Like a broken bone that gets stronger, I feel like every little tribulation I get to face just prepares my heart to feel more love when I get to.

The Alarm

Having my own slight bout of anxiety attacks a few years back I am now better prepared to reason out these episodes with my daughter. I know part of the trigger is stress and let me tell you in some ways I am certain a 15 year old girl has more stress than I do. At the same time in all reality this time of her life should be so happy and free. It is so sad to see her in such straits and then hearing it is somewhat epidemic out there makes me think more about it all.

In my heart I truly believe it is a spiritual battle. God is rattling her cage and she refuses to even think of her need to know God in her life. It is doubly sad for me because I always raised her with a faith element and while I wasn't a regular church goer I tried to go as often as possible and to take her every time, many times she refused, but she did go and hear the Gospel enough in my opinion. And I tried to teach Christian values at every opportunity. While I was unequally yoked to a non believer at least her mother had her baptized as a baby even though I know that is more for the parent than for the child who must take that step of faith on their own volition.

Another aspect of her trouble is her diet. I am thankful she is health conscious but the pressure teenagers put on themselves nowadays is terrible. And what is even more amazing is just how many teenagers are really fat too. I wonder if they go through all the garbage the thin ones go through to maintain their slimness. But there are other factors at work against their proper dieting. Like hypo-glycemia, thyroid, and the always near sedentary lifestyles from being unable to just go out and play safely outside any more, all these challenges make it more difficult for the parents and the children to get control over the aspects that should be most easy to control. There really has to be extra emphasis on diet and exercise and the children have to take it as seriously as if their future body and state of mind depend on it, because mind body and soul are all connected and must remain in balance. Try teaching that to a teen ager.

Truth be Told

I know in my recent past I have let the frustration of things not going the way I dreamed get the best of me. Somehow, in spite of trying to bludgeon reality into the small space I created for it, I still got to see the light and shape a small section right. Everything in my life up to this very point I know has brought me where I am now. On the verge of understanding God better, people better, life better and even what my purpose is. This life is not ours just to try and enjoy material comfort, material things and material actions. We are spirit souls and the supreme Lord is calling us back home.

We listen but do we hear?

We want to hear but do we want to do?

Who knows how long it takes to get it right.

Gods has infinite patience with his children, and an infinite capacity to love us until we get it right.

Thank God for that.

New Year

I have a few New Year resolutions I will work as hard as I can to see through.

∞ First is to strengthen my spiritual life.

∞ Second is to make love work the right way.

∞ Third is my career needs to get a priority I have not yet dedicated. My home life must be straightened out, too.

∞ Fourth is no more speculations, I have bet against the odds a lot in recent years and paid with freeze frames.

∞ My physical fitness and my writing also need to move up to more important facets than I have demonstrated up to now.

All these things are really easy to move on, and I will. With nothing left to lose I will not regret to reach for my hearts desire one way or the other. As long as I honor God and the chances I have been given in this life I really can't go wrong. The path is clear and the way is known, just take that first step and away we go.

Freedom, with a price.

Hurt turns to anger and if anger isn't vented it eats you up inside. I know, I have been on both sides of that equation. I can take it, sometimes I wish I could take it all back, actually most times. I've lived it and healing is all I still search for. Maybe I am weak. My heart is a little guppie in the big ocean so yeah I have fears. I wont remain petulant as I have already come to grips.  I know I am helpless, as I searched for a way to save the irrevocable I tied myself up in worrying, now at least I am free, free to see how wrong my reactions are and everything else I have done wrong 

... but I am free.

Burning in Love

There was a moment a few years ago when I thought, this is it! I have finally found the one true love of my life. We hit it off, made plans, we were compatible in every way, we told each other we loved one another and we meant it, well, I did anyway. Now I realize I was in delusion. Star struck by a very beautiful woman needing me in my time of need. 

There is a spiritual entity called Maya _____ and she is instructed by the supreme Lord to distract people from their true object of worship, Himself. It is a counterbalance so we realize our need to continually place our focus on God himself. Anyway I fell, and once again I have paid a price for my failure in choosing upon whom I should fall in love and devote myself. Of course God is first. I am now talking about women and how I get to a lifelong partner who I love and adore. 

Blessed by God (again!) I met another woman who really cares about me and in her is everything I ever wanted, a supporter, a nurturer, a friend,  a lover, a healer , and a very spiritual soul full of goodness. Unfortunately, my ability to release my heart from bondage is inadequate at best, and the cold water I put on the flames of my passion for my previous love have left the place where fire should be burning damp and smothered. I am unable to put my heart out right now where she needs it to be so we can join each other in a true love relationship.

So I wander aimlessly trying to figure out where to go. When I see a woman that looks like my previous lover I swoon and feel a tremendous pull toward her. It is just a shell and chasing a feeling that is long gone, this I know full well. It does not help to think rationally, I have weighed the pros and cons for 2 years and neglected my conscience and all reason. I was in Love with my whole heart, and now there is a whole that may never be filled. That is partially why I do everything I can to exorcize that demon, that part of me afraid to love, makes wrong choices as to avoid true love, and fears he will never find true Love.

"The Heart has its reasons which reason does not know."

Blaise Pascal

I Used To Imagine

We were close,

even though we were so far apart.

Physically.

When I awoke at 5 I would think... it's 8 there. When I felt frustrated by what was happening here I would think some day this will all make sense we will be together and everything will be allright. What a nice little fantasy world I constructed. I have done that all my life. Lived in a fantasy world of one type or another.

Reality caught up again. Denial served me a heaping helping of humble pie. When the imaginary world crashed down new horizons open up to welcome me back home. There is so much work to do to clear up the mess while I have been away. Unpleasant business where I must be mean so I no longer get walked on. My kids need me and they need me now, whether they realize it or not. This whole vacation from reality must end, for all of us.

To realize almost everything I do is a maneuver to escape the cold clutches of reality makes it more easy and more difficult all at the same time. Knowing the problem is the first step to curing it, yet now I also know this is a lifelong pattern. A life long weakness. Something that cannot be so easily eliminated, it is part of my personality.

I know what I must do.

I must learn how to embrace reality and when life gives me lemons, learn how to make lemon aide.

No more running, no more hiding. I shouldn't have to worry about losing anything out there, in all likelihood I may find more of myself.

Haunted

After spending almost 2 years dreaming of the day I would finally get to be with the woman I love, my hopes riding high with anticipation when our next planned rendezvous drew near. Not once but twice I was devastated by turn of events that scuttled the planned trips prior to this one. It would not nearly have been so difficult to bear had the plans not been made so far in advance and the logistics of a cross country meeting been so detailed. The times we were to be together and had those trips cancelled was beginning to approach the number of times we had actually been together. I knew I could not take another let down, and as the time drew near not a word was mentioned of the upcoming reunion. At first I took this in stride because I didn't want to jinx things in any way. Soon, as time became less than a month until we would be in each others arms again, I started to realize that once again there would be no time together. I got short tempered everywhere and with everything and eventually I snapped. My heart could not take being broken again. Now I am haunted by my inability to even reach out and find out what happened, I was not even sure this time if it wasn't going to happen. All I knew was my heart and mind were in full protection mode. I want to move on now but I can't. There is no place in my heart for any other woman and I am afraid if there even was a chance for patience and strength to allow me to be with the woman I love I have now ruined that through my inability to withstand these trials and tests, and setbacks. I do know that true love can and will find its way through any travail, and if things were meant to be it would take more than something like this to ruin everything.

I have always believed that true love would one day come to me and while it was on my heart for a moment, like a butterfly I couldn't move or it would fly away. Now I am haunted by my mistakes and not even knowing how I could have done things right, or if I am doing the right thing now by piecing my heart back together and trying to make it heal.

Our Nature, Ourselves

"Whereas comedies involve people who are worse than we are, and epics involve people who are better than we are, tragedies are about people who are just like we are."

Aristotle