Saturday, March 21, 2009

It takes Time

Here it is, the first day of Spring, a time for Love?
How ironic my previous post here is grappling with the issue that has since become the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. More ups than downs, but when a person is not in reality, how easily we deceive ourselves. If there are more ups than downs then in the end there is a big drop to get back on the ground. Trust was what I had stressed then and still see that as what I need now. Trust in the Lord, first. I missed that chance. I suppose I missed all the way around.
My inevitable crash and burn has taken me to a new low I never knew existed. I put my heart in a place where all that could happen was for it to be broken. I did not believe I would be so easily cast aside, I believed in Love.
We can never doubt the power of Love in all its forms. First, there is the Love for our creator, the be all and end all. God is to be centrally placed in our lives and in our hearts or we will stumble, I know from experience, now. I knew this, yet I still tried to put the gift from God, the love I felt for another, past the giver in the hierarchy of my heart. Then theres the love of a parent for their child, the most powerful force in nature. Designed by God to ensure that our children have every chance to grow up and be happy and whole. For some this Love also becomes a defense shield, a motivator, and a cross to bear. I have felt the sting of children being placed before me in their mothers' hearts. And that is as it should be, but, when all that is left is being a disposable person who becomes nothing in the shadow of the kids, the pain is real and illuminating. And I know better about the multiple levels of Love and where I fit in.
I love my own children with all my heart and I would die in a second for them, I realize they will grow up and lead lives of their own, since they too are Gods children they need lives of their own, just like me. God will protect them, just like me, and God will instruct them, just like me. I trust in God for that. Maybe thats the difference between Mothers and Fathers, Mothers had the child inside of them and therefore always feel like they are one, while Fathers were always seperated and cannot know how difficult it is to detach, and relinquish protection to the creator of us all.
The type of love that has eluded me in this life is that of a woman - as a lover and a friend. I have had brief glimpses that faded or turned. I may still have a chance, what I have found and placed in my heart I will never give up on. Maybe God will lead me in a new direction and set me free. Maybe I will stop being an inconvenience and the love that has bloomed can grow?
I am so down because I feel that God will not allow me to really be in love completely in this life, as if it is just not possible. I know that something great will happen if I keep my faith in God, and let it be in His time.
I have to have faith.
Thats all I have.