Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Common sense and the Court of Law should be synonymous and what's right should always find it's way and to be. Division of property and family can be equitable without opposition and really needs no mediation. But when one person is ordered to suffer more hardship so another, equally capable, does not you have a breakdown of the whole process.

What gives a person the thought in their head to lie and claim a certain degree of helplessness just so they don't have to work any harder than they feel they should? To put the shackles on what another person can become with the backing of the state. Whatever happened to making a decision and then living with it?

Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly, but all vows have to be honored and picking and choosing makes the marriage contract null and void in my eyes. If the Law respected common sense and honesty could be tested maybe people would not be so afraid to get married.

I know these issues are as old as the hills and I can't begin to express my frustration with the system, but i want to be on the record as having no confidence. Not in the State, not in my ex, not in the process, not at all. The only thing I know is that I love my children and I have to and will do right by them.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

3 years to the Day

Falling in love

I fell

For every action there's equal opposite reaction

Every cause has its effect

Every Dream faces reality

The price I pay

to this day

Worth it in almost every way

I was High

Brought Low

still only one way to go

I learned and watched

yearned and botched

turned around

found the ground

gave away


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Anything That Helps

I see someone who reminds me of her,
and my heart immediately swoons

I while away my time thinking about all that was,
and I never get that far away, though I try to see why I'm stuck

Memories, like empty rooms can be refilled
Behind every door the chance is there to win again

I got lucky before, I'll get lucky again, the faulty logic says
But I never was a gambling man

For some reason I can't forget my good fortune,
I guess its because it was true, one time

It hurts to lose the bet
to realize there is no second chance out there

The one thing that never changes

I missed her again today

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Ashamed of this Weakness

An addictive personality latches onto anything that makes it complete. Using activities and ideas to posit the thought process into a comfortable channel. Dreaming a dream if that helps to dull the grating grip of cold reality. How many times have I been played? How did I want to be played? Was I coerced and tricked into sin or did I willingly go there and do that? These questions will never be answered but I can say honestly my deceptions never were meant to beguile another person. My sin was always meant to be replaced with the honorable intention. Having no other way to get to my goal I fell into the trap. Still I sinned.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

For the Love of All

She loves me
She Loves me Not.
What is Love?
What is Lust?
Where do we find these answers?
When do we know its really real?
How can we trust a feeling?
Why can't it just come easy?
Who is the one for me?
Is it supposed to be eternally?

Update: Is it supposed to be at all?

Sunday, March 06, 2011

What Are You Waiting For?

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,

Of meadow flowers and butterflies In summers that have been.
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire
And think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many thingsThat I have never seen.
In every wood, in every spring
There is a different green.

I sit beside the fire
And think of people long ago.
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door--

J.R.R.Tolkien and Bilbo Baggins

What a beautiful poem that came into my mind as I sit, not beside a fire, but beside a parabolic electric heater and think of what to write. I feel the need to write something maybe just to clear some space inside my brain or maybe to set the thoughts free to soar. Maybe it's in hopes that the right person will read the words and understand some of the things I have always had such a hard time conveying. Whenever I try to write my deep thoughts, deep fears, deep hopes and dreams, they seem to scatter like shadows from the noonday sun. I have had a few titles in mind lately that seemed like could launch literary brilliance and clean out some clutter in the closets of my mind at the same time. But when I start a de evolutionary spiral causes second guessing and doubts sabotage the inertia needed to boldly go. In other words I get thought tied and the weakness of my writing skill betrays my emotion.

All I ever wanted was to be understood. To have the time needed to give and receive trust. When I tried to be perfectly clear I created contradiction by fearing the great unknown. When I tried to protect my own fragile ego I sent a mixed message. Being afraid to lose was the act of faithlessness that weakened the chain. Over protecting my heart must have made it slow to respond. Knowing it was too good to be true undermined whatever chance there was. Stubbornness to re calibrate all these things ended the equation. Sometimes ground must be given up in order to move forward.
I figured that out a little too late...

To Live is to Love
if you are not doing both you are not fully doing either.
There are many ways to love
many ways to feel
I still feel Loved, its different yet the same
just because things changed
no one need take blame
I am so thankful it was real
I feel lucky I got to know
More lucky all the time
The moment lasts forever in my heart
and all love does is grow
in different ways
its more today
Tomorrow? who's to say

Thursday, February 24, 2011

On the Verge

Wave after Wave and it keeps coming in
I am moving with the flow
No need to test the fates right now
The moments captured forever remain
The pictures are what I saw that day
Every day I want to give a new view

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

To My Friend

I wonder how things ever got to where I am unable to even let you know how I feel. There was a time when I thought you could practically read my mind and there was nothing that needed to be said, we just knew. I guess like any thing in this material dimension energy must propel motion or gravity takes hold. We did our best and our stars crossed and I believe we blessed each other with Love that will last because love is what God made to last into eternity. Maybe we will never be quite the same but I am honored to have shared moments with someone I will allways consider my good friend.
Thank You,
respectfully yours丁丅

Friday, February 18, 2011

Self Preservation

Its time to say good bye. The end of an era. For 12 years now I lived on that street. I will miss the little things like the projects I wasn't able to finish, the trees I planted will just grow on without my admiration, and not seeing my children finish growing up here is certainly not how I planned my future when I first moved in.

I got to see change, and some good knowledge came and I grew as a self sufficient human being by leaps and bounds. I goofed up and lost some ground, too, so I will never make some of these mistakes again I am sure.

I lived at this residence longer than I lived anywhere in my whole life, so I feel like there was a sense of great stability and I grew so much in so many ways. Where I am being led is a great mystery right now, the once great State of California can barely contain me anymore. If this was not where my business was created and my best chance to make decent money I would be long long gone.

I have been praying a lot that I move only in a direction that God would have me go. I won't stop praying until I feel I am home again and then my prayer will no longer be for wondering but thanking the Supreme Lord that He got me to go where He wants me to be.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

To Be

I feel loved

even as

I still feel pained

I feel so hopeful and yet restrained

I remember the power of my last Lover

How she was more than perfect for me

The taste so sweet I fell the further

I can never forget her smile

Even time stopped when we held onto each other

So I did get to see an Angel right then

and She renewed the life inside me

I know even though its now gone

She does still remember me

As I move on

And try to find what got lost

I know

Love can yet save a soul

And I will do my part

To bring joy to some other broken heart

Monday, February 07, 2011

Whom Do You Serve?

World views and Religions can share the same Earth and thrive. All it takes is to allow ones own faith to light the pathway to the Spiritual Sky. So many religious battles are ignited by lack of Faith. If one belief system wants to show the way then by all means Lead By Example. That is probably all God has been waiting for.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

A Dilemma for Sure

Sometimes in my certainty I overlook the obvious vagaries and I just assume that all is essentially decided and finished. Even if things are not yet getting to where I want to be.
Desiring to move on but looking back to see what may have been missed. Like the angels when they told Lot and his family not to look back, and unfortunately Lots wife did.
Talking to my ex wife I just figured because the marriage dissolved and I was not ever going to try and reconcile that she felt that way too. Not even sure if she does desire reconciliation, but maybe she wants me to try so she can shoot me down... I just don't know, and I really don't care.
So when we recently re-discussed the things that led to the end of that marriage I did want to find the reasons, for I will never make the same mistakes again. I am talking about mistakes in the way I treated and reacted to situations not like the mistake of choosing to marry her in the first place. I actually really would have put up with more just to keep my honor and to keep my family whole for my children for a little while longer. Even though this marriage was doomed to fall apart eventually. I couldn't go it alone anymore.
Even though she never really acted like she loved me she said she never stopped. I am not sure why it took me a step back when she said that. I never felt it, we never worked at it, I was more or less in a blind haze for years just consumed with the struggle to get by.
I am sure that one thing I never really felt was like that woman really loved me. Since the divorce I have had the chance to feel real love. I got a small taste of what I craved and maybe it was just a fantasy, but I felt it, really felt that spark. Like a defibrillator shock I was brought back to life.
I wont fall for my ex's ruse now, but I do think this explains why I have had reticence to just boot her @ss out and get on with everything else I must face. I feel pity for her and her situation, I do care about her as she is the mother of my children, but I also feel as if she didn't keep her end of the bargain to join forces and be one.
I am not really certain that I did my best either, looking backwards. But I do know I was true until it became stupid to remain so. I can live with everything that has happened to me I just pray that I learn the lessons right and can become a better person. God gives second chances and I hope to make mine count. Even though I feel torn I dont feel torn up. Like a broken bone that gets stronger, I feel like every little tribulation I get to face just prepares my heart to feel more love when I get to.

Friday, January 07, 2011

The Alarm

Having my own slight bout of anxiety attacks a few years back I am now better prepared to reason out these episodes with my daughter. I know part of the trigger is stress and let me tell you in some ways I am certain a 15 year old girl has more stress than I do. At the same time in all reality this time of her life should be so happy and free. It is so sad to see her in such straits and then hearing it is somewhat epidemic out there makes me think more about it all.

In my heart I truly believe it is a spiritual battle. God is rattling her cage and she refuses to even think of her need to know God in her life. It is doubly sad for me because I always raised her with a faith element and while I wasn't a regular church goer I tried to go as often as possible and to take her every time, many times she refused, but she did go and hear the Gospel enough in my opinion. And I tried to teach Christian values at every opportunity. While I was unequally yoked to a non believer at least her mother had her baptized as a baby even though I know that is more for the parent than for the child who must take that step of faith on their own volition.

Another aspect of her trouble is her diet. I am thankful she is health conscious but the pressure teenagers put on themselves nowadays is terrible. And what is even more amazing is just how many teenagers are really fat too. I wonder if they go through all the garbage the thin ones go through to maintain their slimness. But there are other factors at work against their proper dieting. Like hypo-glycemia, thyroid, and the always near sedentary lifestyles from being unable to just go out and play safely outside any more, all these challenges make it more difficult for the parents and the children to get control over the aspects that should be most easy to control. There really has to be extra emphasis on diet and exercise and the children have to take it as seriously as if their future body and state of mind depend on it, because mind body and soul are all connected and must remain in balance. Try teaching that to a teen ager.