We were close,
even though we were so far apart.
When I awoke at 5 I would think... it's 8 there. When I felt frustrated by what was happening here I would think some day this will all make sense we will be together and everything will be allright. What a nice little fantasy world I constructed. I have done that all my life. Lived in a fantasy world of one type or another.
Reality caught up again. Denial served me a heaping helping of humble pie. When the imaginary world crashed down new horizons open up to welcome me back home. There is so much work to do to clear up the mess while I have been away. Unpleasant business where I must be mean so I no longer get walked on. My kids need me and they need me now, whether they realize it or not. This whole vacation from reality must end, for all of us.
To realize almost everything I do is a maneuver to escape the cold clutches of reality makes it more easy and more difficult all at the same time. Knowing the problem is the first step to curing it, yet now I also know this is a lifelong pattern. A life long weakness. Something that cannot be so easily eliminated, it is part of my personality.
I know what I must do.
I must learn how to embrace reality and when life gives me lemons, learn how to make lemon aide.
No more running, no more hiding. I shouldn't have to worry about losing anything out there, in all likelihood I may find more of myself.