Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I Used To Imagine

We were close,
even though we were so far apart.
When I awoke at 5 I would think... it's 8 there. When I felt frustrated by what was happening here I would think some day this will all make sense we will be together and everything will be allright. What a nice little fantasy world I constructed. I have done that all my life. Lived in a fantasy world of one type or another.
Reality caught up again. Denial served me a heaping helping of humble pie. When the imaginary world crashed down new horizons open up to welcome me back home. There is so much work to do to clear up the mess while I have been away. Unpleasant business where I must be mean so I no longer get walked on. My kids need me and they need me now, whether they realize it or not. This whole vacation from reality must end, for all of us.

To realize almost everything I do is a maneuver to escape the cold clutches of reality makes it more easy and more difficult all at the same time. Knowing the problem is the first step to curing it, yet now I also know this is a lifelong pattern. A life long weakness. Something that cannot be so easily eliminated, it is part of my personality.

I know what I must do.
I must learn how to embrace reality and when life gives me lemons, learn how to make lemon aide.
No more running, no more hiding. I shouldn't have to worry about losing anything out there, in all likelihood I may find more of myself.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


After spending almost 2 years dreaming of the day I would finally get to be with the woman I love, my hopes riding high with anticipation when our next planned rendezvous drew near. Not once but twice I was devastated by turn of events that scuttled the planned trips prior to this one. It would not nearly have been so difficult to bear had the plans not been made so far in advance and the logistics of a cross country meeting been so detailed. The times we were to be together and had those trips cancelled was beginning to approach the number of times we had actually been together. I knew I could not take another let down, and as the time drew near not a word was mentioned of the upcoming reunion. At first I took this in stride because I didn't want to jinx things in any way. Soon, as time became less than a month until we would be in each others arms again, I started to realize that once again there would be no time together. I got short tempered everywhere and with everything and eventually I snapped. My heart could not take being broken again. Now I am haunted by my inability to even reach out and find out what happened, I was not even sure this time if it wasn't going to happen. All I knew was my heart and mind were in full protection mode. I want to move on now but I can't. There is no place in my heart for any other woman and I am afraid if there even was a chance for patience and strength to allow me to be with the woman I love I have now ruined that through my inability to withstand these trials and tests, and setbacks. I do know that true love can and will find its way through any travail, and if things were meant to be it would take more than something like this to ruin everything.

I have always believed that true love would one day come to me and while it was on my heart for a moment, like a butterfly I couldn't move or it would fly away. Now I am haunted by my mistakes and not even knowing how I could have done things right, or if I am doing the right thing now by piecing my heart back together and trying to make it heal.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Our Nature, Ourselves

"Whereas comedies involve people who are worse than we are, and epics involve people who are better than we are, tragedies are about people who are just like we are."