Lawyers, Guns and Money

Common sense and the Court of Law should be synonymous and what's right should always find it's way and to be. Division of property and family can be equitable without opposition and really needs no mediation. But when one person is ordered to suffer more hardship so another, equally capable, does not you have a breakdown of the whole process.

What gives a person the thought in their head to lie and claim a certain degree of helplessness just so they don't have to work any harder than they feel they should? To put the shackles on what another person can become with the backing of the state. Whatever happened to making a decision and then living with it?

Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly, but all vows have to be honored and picking and choosing makes the marriage contract null and void in my eyes. If the Law respected common sense and honesty could be tested maybe people would not be so afraid to get married.

I know these issues are as old as the hills and I can't begin to express my frustration with the system, but i want to be on the record as having no confidence. Not in the State, not in my ex, not in the process, not at all. The only thing I know is that I love my children and I have to and will do right by them.

3 years to the Day

Falling in love

I fell

For every action there's equal opposite reaction

Every cause has its effect

Every Dream faces reality

The price I pay

to this day

Worth it in almost every way

I was High

Brought Low

still only one way to go

I learned and watched

yearned and botched

turned around

found the ground

gave away

everything

Anything That Helps

I see someone who reminds me of her,

and my heart immediately swoons

I while away my time thinking about all that was,

and I never get that far away, though I try to see why I'm stuck

Memories, like empty rooms can be refilled

Behind every door the chance is there to win again

I got lucky before, I'll get lucky again, the faulty logic says

But I never was a gambling man

For some reason I can't forget my good fortune,

I guess its because it was true, one time

It hurts to lose the bet

to realize there is no second chance out there

The one thing that never changes

I missed her again today

Ashamed of this Weakness

An addictive personality latches onto anything that makes it complete. Using activities and ideas to posit the thought process into a comfortable channel. Dreaming a dream if that helps to dull the grating grip of cold reality. How many times have I been played? How did I want to be played? Was I coerced and tricked into sin or did I willingly go there and do that? These questions will never be answered but I can say honestly my deceptions never were meant to beguile another person. My sin was always meant to be replaced with the honorable intention. Having no other way to get to my goal I fell into the trap. Still I sinned.

For the Love of All

She loves me

She Loves me Not.

What is Love?

What is Lust?

Where do we find these answers?

When do we know its really real?

How can we trust a feeling?

Why can't it just come easy?

Who is the one for me?

Is it supposed to be eternally?

Update: Is it supposed to be at all?

What Are You Waiting For?

I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,

Of meadow flowers and butterflies In summers that have been.

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire
And think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many thingsThat I have never seen.
In every wood, in every spring
There is a different green.

I sit beside the fire
And think of people long ago.
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door--

J.R.R.Tolkien and Bilbo Baggins

What a beautiful poem that came into my mind as I sit, not beside a fire, but beside a parabolic electric heater and think of what to write. I feel the need to write something maybe just to clear some space inside my brain or maybe to set the thoughts free to soar. Maybe it's in hopes that the right person will read the words and understand some of the things I have always had such a hard time conveying. Whenever I try to write my deep thoughts, deep fears, deep hopes and dreams, they seem to scatter like shadows from the noonday sun. I have had a few titles in mind lately that seemed like could launch literary brilliance and clean out some clutter in the closets of my mind at the same time. But when I start a de evolutionary spiral causes second guessing and doubts sabotage the inertia needed to boldly go. In other words I get thought tied and the weakness of my writing skill betrays my emotion.

All I ever wanted was to be understood. To have the time needed to give and receive trust. When I tried to be perfectly clear I created contradiction by fearing the great unknown. When I tried to protect my own fragile ego I sent a mixed message. Being afraid to lose was the act of faithlessness that weakened the chain. Over protecting my heart must have made it slow to respond. Knowing it was too good to be true undermined whatever chance there was. Stubbornness to re calibrate all these things ended the equation. Sometimes ground must be given up in order to move forward.

I figured that out a little too late...

To Live is to Love

if you are not doing both you are not fully doing either.

There are many ways to love

many ways to feel

I still feel Loved, its different yet the same

just because things changed

no one need take blame

I am so thankful it was real

I feel lucky I got to know

More lucky all the time

The moment lasts forever in my heart

and all love does is grow

in different ways

its more today

Tomorrow? who's to say

※丌

On the Verge

Wave after Wave and it keeps coming in

I am moving with the flow

No need to test the fates right now

The moments captured forever remain

The pictures are what I saw that day

Every day I want to give a new view