I know in my recent past I have let the frustration of things not going the way I dreamed get the best of me. Somehow, in spite of trying to bludgeon reality into the small space I created for it, I still got to see the light and shape a small section right. Everything in my life up to this very point I know has brought me where I am now. On the verge of understanding God better, people better, life better and even what my purpose is. This life is not ours just to try and enjoy material comfort, material things and material actions. We are spirit souls and the supreme Lord is calling us back home.
We listen but do we hear?
We want to hear but do we want to do?
Who knows how long it takes to get it right.
Gods has infinite patience with his children, and an infinite capacity to love us until we get it right.
I have a few New Year resolutions I will work as hard as I can to see through.
∞ First is to strengthen my spiritual life.
∞ Second is to make love work the right way.
∞ Third is my career needs to get a priority I have not yet dedicated. My home life must be straightened out, too.
∞ Fourth is no more speculations, I have bet against the odds a lot in recent years and paid with freeze frames.
∞ My physical fitness and my writing also need to move up to more important facets than I have demonstrated up to now.
All these things are really easy to move on, and I will. With nothing left to lose I will not regret to reach for my hearts desire one way or the other. As long as I honor God and the chances I have been given in this life I really can't go wrong. The path is clear and the way is known, just take that first step and away we go.
Hurt turns to anger and if anger isn't vented it eats you up inside. I know, I have been on both sides of that equation. I can take it, sometimes I wish I could take it all back, actually most times. I've lived it and healing is all I still search for. Maybe I am weak. My heart is a little guppie in the big ocean so yeah I have fears. I wont remain petulant as I have already come to grips. I know I am helpless, as I searched for a way to save the irrevocable I tied myself up in worrying, now at least I am free, free to see how wrong my reactions are and everything else I have done wrong
There was a moment a few years ago when I thought, this is it! I have finally found the one true love of my life. We hit it off, made plans, we were compatible in every way, we told each other we loved one another and we meant it, well, I did anyway. Now I realize I was in delusion. Star struck by a very beautiful woman needing me in my time of need.
There is a spiritual entity called Maya _____ and she is instructed by the supreme Lord to distract people from their true object of worship, Himself. It is a counterbalance so we realize our need to continually place our focus on God himself. Anyway I fell, and once again I have paid a price for my failure in choosing upon whom I should fall in love and devote myself. Of course God is first. I am now talking about women and how I get to a lifelong partner who I love and adore.
Blessed by God (again!) I met another woman who really cares about me and in her is everything I ever wanted, a supporter, a nurturer, a friend, a lover, a healer , and a very spiritual soul full of goodness. Unfortunately, my ability to release my heart from bondage is inadequate at best, and the cold water I put on the flames of my passion for my previous love have left the place where fire should be burning damp and smothered. I am unable to put my heart out right now where she needs it to be so we can join each other in a true love relationship.
So I wander aimlessly trying to figure out where to go. When I see a woman that looks like my previous lover I swoon and feel a tremendous pull toward her. It is just a shell and chasing a feeling that is long gone, this I know full well. It does not help to think rationally, I have weighed the pros and cons for 2 years and neglected my conscience and all reason. I was in Love with my whole heart, and now there is a whole that may never be filled. That is partially why I do everything I can to exorcize that demon, that part of me afraid to love, makes wrong choices as to avoid true love, and fears he will never find true Love.
Our obsessive preoccupation with external superficialities, and our servile anxiety to conform to the modern not only rob us of individuality and stature, they corrode us until we become complacent and stultified. Noel Langley