Tuesday, February 01, 2011

A Dilemma for Sure

Sometimes in my certainty I overlook the obvious vagaries and I just assume that all is essentially decided and finished. Even if things are not yet getting to where I want to be.
Desiring to move on but looking back to see what may have been missed. Like the angels when they told Lot and his family not to look back, and unfortunately Lots wife did.
Talking to my ex wife I just figured because the marriage dissolved and I was not ever going to try and reconcile that she felt that way too. Not even sure if she does desire reconciliation, but maybe she wants me to try so she can shoot me down... I just don't know, and I really don't care.
So when we recently re-discussed the things that led to the end of that marriage I did want to find the reasons, for I will never make the same mistakes again. I am talking about mistakes in the way I treated and reacted to situations not like the mistake of choosing to marry her in the first place. I actually really would have put up with more just to keep my honor and to keep my family whole for my children for a little while longer. Even though this marriage was doomed to fall apart eventually. I couldn't go it alone anymore.
Even though she never really acted like she loved me she said she never stopped. I am not sure why it took me a step back when she said that. I never felt it, we never worked at it, I was more or less in a blind haze for years just consumed with the struggle to get by.
I am sure that one thing I never really felt was like that woman really loved me. Since the divorce I have had the chance to feel real love. I got a small taste of what I craved and maybe it was just a fantasy, but I felt it, really felt that spark. Like a defibrillator shock I was brought back to life.
I wont fall for my ex's ruse now, but I do think this explains why I have had reticence to just boot her @ss out and get on with everything else I must face. I feel pity for her and her situation, I do care about her as she is the mother of my children, but I also feel as if she didn't keep her end of the bargain to join forces and be one.
I am not really certain that I did my best either, looking backwards. But I do know I was true until it became stupid to remain so. I can live with everything that has happened to me I just pray that I learn the lessons right and can become a better person. God gives second chances and I hope to make mine count. Even though I feel torn I dont feel torn up. Like a broken bone that gets stronger, I feel like every little tribulation I get to face just prepares my heart to feel more love when I get to.

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